Plenty of people feel filled with joy the moment a baby is on the way. I always expected myself to be one of these people, but sadly I have never felt this way. Wise people would tell me that there never seems to be a perfect time to have a baby and I wish I had taken that to heart. Having kids was never really something I questioned. I always expected to have LOTs of kids, but the when and the how was a bit different in my mind.
I expected to have a full year or two with my husband before having baby number one. If I were to get pregnant, of course that would be fine, but in the picture in my head, we had about one year or so. Most families had children two or more years apart. In fact, many who had tried to have kids closer together physically could not. Maybe I thought I would start having kids around twenty five years old and end around thirty five. When I started to think being done at thirty sounded nice, I did not realize I would seriously have A LOT of kids by then.
So my first pregnancy began just three months after my wedding day. Thinking I had some time with my one and only baby, I found out baby two was on the way and these babies would only be fourteen months apart. Then there was a time where no babies came. I almost began to think maybe I would not have anymore children, when along came baby number three. Then I never got to catch my breath again before baby number four, five, and now...wait for it...baby number six! It is like my body has tuned into I want to be pregnant all the time mode! I should be thankful. Babies are such a blessing from God. I love every one of my children and could not imagine life without them, but why have I never felt like I was allowed to actually enjoy being pregnant?
Most people do not feel like they have enough money, we do not. God has always blessed us with just enough somehow. It has been miraculous all these years.
Having more than the cultural norm of children is really challenging. I am from an educated background and of course I understand how to properly use birth control, but I do not believe in using most forms of it. There are a couple things I consider to be a gray area, but those things have not worked for us the last couple of babies.
All I can say is I have pictured myself with up to six kids, but beyond that I don't really know. People ask if I'm done all the time. I wish sometimes I felt comfortable saying yes, but I don't believe that is really up to me. I believe that is in God's hands. I got pregnant this time against most odds and I just have to believe this is something where God is in control.
I am happy about having another baby, but as one can see, I am not looking forward to comments like, woops, how many children do you plan to have?, are you crazy, here's some birth control, when is your husband getting fixed....and the list goes on.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Me: Adoption
As I look at my children I see so much of myself. I see my husband too. There are these facial expressions I remember seeing in photos of me at similar ages. Each child has his or her own unique look of course, but there is also a distant reflection of my husband and myself.
It is amazing to notice the different combinations in five children. Had I stopped at two kids I would have missed out. Not one baby has looked exactly like any others. Only one child was born with blue eyes. Having children is completely miraculous!
Being adopted is a different kind of miracle. I get to pretend that my eyes might look like my mother's and my nose must be from my father. Were they both the same skin tone? Am I not quite five feet because my mother was short too? There are questions I will never answer, but the mystery can be fun as well.
Every time I have a baby I think about the whole connection from pregnancy on. I must know the sound of my mother's voice. I am drawn to sounds that remind me of Bengali even though I don't know the language myself.
Certain parts of my identity might be hidden or lost. I don't know the traditions of the family I came from and I don't know the names of anyone, but my birth mother. If I had been raised in a village what parts of my personality would be the same? Would I still love the arts?
But I look at who I am now. I have seen a lot of the world. My experiences are unique to me. There is so much that takes the place of all the questions. I know a whole different family...new sets of traditions. A world I would have never explored is a part of me now.
I get to be caught in the middle of what if and now, but don't most people feel that way? It is different, but also the same. I must say that having my own children has in some way brought me back to guessing if my kids look like other people I am related too?
When my husband's family comes to visit I can see all of them in our kids. It is so fascinating to me to see how traits are passed down. In a way it is an unwritten history book of the family and somewhere in all my children are the traits of my family too.
It is amazing to notice the different combinations in five children. Had I stopped at two kids I would have missed out. Not one baby has looked exactly like any others. Only one child was born with blue eyes. Having children is completely miraculous!
Being adopted is a different kind of miracle. I get to pretend that my eyes might look like my mother's and my nose must be from my father. Were they both the same skin tone? Am I not quite five feet because my mother was short too? There are questions I will never answer, but the mystery can be fun as well.
Every time I have a baby I think about the whole connection from pregnancy on. I must know the sound of my mother's voice. I am drawn to sounds that remind me of Bengali even though I don't know the language myself.
Certain parts of my identity might be hidden or lost. I don't know the traditions of the family I came from and I don't know the names of anyone, but my birth mother. If I had been raised in a village what parts of my personality would be the same? Would I still love the arts?
But I look at who I am now. I have seen a lot of the world. My experiences are unique to me. There is so much that takes the place of all the questions. I know a whole different family...new sets of traditions. A world I would have never explored is a part of me now.
I get to be caught in the middle of what if and now, but don't most people feel that way? It is different, but also the same. I must say that having my own children has in some way brought me back to guessing if my kids look like other people I am related too?
When my husband's family comes to visit I can see all of them in our kids. It is so fascinating to me to see how traits are passed down. In a way it is an unwritten history book of the family and somewhere in all my children are the traits of my family too.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Kitchen: Get Dinner on the Table
I have to admit, I love the kitchen, but there are plenty of days I just do not feel like making dinner. Here are my ideas for quick family friendly meals.
The latest favorite is slow cooker rice and beans. I basically make two cups of each and add 8-10 cups of water. Most of the time I even put 1/2 cup of salsa into the mix. Then later in the day I only have to think about adding to this. One can eat it like soup or burrito filling. Add cheese, sour cream, avocado, more salsa, black olives, there are many ways to change this around. Tonight I added sweet corn because we had some from our farm share.
My next go to quick family dinner is blended veggie soup with grilled cheese sandwiches. This meal always includes something the my baby can eat. She feels a part of the family meal and I know all my kids are eating their veggies. We like leek and potato soup, carrot and yam, and other mixes from our farm box.
One other idea of for dinner in an hour of less is homemade hamburgers and oven fries. I recently learned that the best oven fries are made by boiling the sliced potatoes in water for 20 minutes and added butter or oil and baking them in the oven for 30-40 minutes in a 400 degree oven. My hamburgers are bread crumbs for two slices of bread (a great way to use the heels the family does not want to eat) 1-2 eggs, and 1 pound of hamburger meat (organic, hormone free). To add a kick to these burgers I throw in some chopped spinach so my kids get to eat cool green hamburgers and vegetables without realizing it. They love these.
So if you are dreading dinner, don't feel alone. We all dread cooking dinner sometimes. If we had more money, maybe I would beg my husband for takeout more, but I am glad that quick meals can be put together at home too.
The latest favorite is slow cooker rice and beans. I basically make two cups of each and add 8-10 cups of water. Most of the time I even put 1/2 cup of salsa into the mix. Then later in the day I only have to think about adding to this. One can eat it like soup or burrito filling. Add cheese, sour cream, avocado, more salsa, black olives, there are many ways to change this around. Tonight I added sweet corn because we had some from our farm share.
My next go to quick family dinner is blended veggie soup with grilled cheese sandwiches. This meal always includes something the my baby can eat. She feels a part of the family meal and I know all my kids are eating their veggies. We like leek and potato soup, carrot and yam, and other mixes from our farm box.
One other idea of for dinner in an hour of less is homemade hamburgers and oven fries. I recently learned that the best oven fries are made by boiling the sliced potatoes in water for 20 minutes and added butter or oil and baking them in the oven for 30-40 minutes in a 400 degree oven. My hamburgers are bread crumbs for two slices of bread (a great way to use the heels the family does not want to eat) 1-2 eggs, and 1 pound of hamburger meat (organic, hormone free). To add a kick to these burgers I throw in some chopped spinach so my kids get to eat cool green hamburgers and vegetables without realizing it. They love these.
So if you are dreading dinner, don't feel alone. We all dread cooking dinner sometimes. If we had more money, maybe I would beg my husband for takeout more, but I am glad that quick meals can be put together at home too.
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