This is the first time in my life I have not been all consumed with getting ready for baby. I feel good about knowing I organized the baby clothing before we moved and I have the newborn cloth diapers in the house now, but really this is very calm for me. I do start to want to get some of this stuff ready in the middle of the night, but I am tired enough to let that go. Am I a ticking clock ready for birth or not at this point?
My belly is nice and low. It is a sad sight to see me in public at this point. Some stomach is hanging out of my clothing. I cannot button my winter jacket. My pants are always falling of my hips and the bump pushes them down and I almost cried yesterday when I realized that the coffee drive through that had my kids favorite cookies was not taking credit cards and I did not have cash. Why did I cry? I was wearing sweats that barely stay on and my shirt was way too short and I had to walk into a store like this. Just a week ago the same lady working is the store had asked me if I was due like tomorrow. Now I am getting closer the 36 weeks, that makes sense. I usually have my babies early and I tend to run out of room faster than the perfect super model pregnant woman who is closer to 6 ft. tall instead of 4'11.
I had a dream the other night that a friend of mine got a quick shot and then she was holding her baby five seconds later. I got mad at her for using drugs and she got mad at me because her baby was fine. So I was not giving birth and here was this woman who gave birth in five seconds. My body must be trying to tell me something, right? One starts to have birth dreams closer to birthing time. I know I do.
All I know is that I feel ready for the baby and then I think, how bad would it be to wait four more weeks? My clothing may not fit much longer, most of it doesn't. The belly just gets bigger and bigger at this point. Emotions are less under control. Um...maybe 37 or 38 weeks would not be bad. We'll just have to wait and see.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Almost 34 weeks and Grieving
I did not expect to have much new information on pregnancy after spending all of my last pregnancy blogging about baby #5 only, but sometimes one needs to expect to unexpected. I thought it might be helpful for me and for others to write about grieving while pregnant.
This pregnancy I have challenged myself to be as healthy as possible and workout five times a week. I have focused on a diet that includes plenty of protein and lots of greens along with the proper vitamins to make a great healthy baby, but I did not think I was going to suffer from grief a couple of months away from delivering my little one.
Now I am struck by a crazy form of nesting. Instead of looking forward to folding up little baby clothes in a dresser and making as much baby stuff as I can before I see my baby, I spend most of the day with a tape of my father and all my memories playing in my head. I think about how much time he spent with my other children. Then I imagine his voice because I never want to forget what it sounded like.
After hours of this I get a burst of energy out of nowhere to clean bathrooms, mop floors, unpack boxes (since we just moved into a new home two days before I found out my dad passed away two weeks ago). Then I start to imagine the tasks I want to do for the baby. I ordered my birth kit to make sure I don't forget later.
My husband reminds me how exciting it will be to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I keep trying to eat more greens, to eat at all. Most food was not that great one week after finding out a loved one is gone and now I can taste again, but barely feel like eating. I promised my baby the day I found out about my dad that I would keep feeding him or her.
So many birth plans have changed. My dad was going to take some of the kids, my mom the rest. We had help and now I am praying for my much desired middle of the night birth where my kids sleep through it all and we get to show them a baby in the morning. If this does not work my mom will be upstairs with the kids. For some reason I feel at peace about the birth because I know God is in control. In the past I have worried much more.
I often have gotten carried away with wanting to buy things for the baby, but I have been too distracted to think about that, plus we don't really need new things. Instead of wanting new things, I think about how my dad will not get to meet this baby and how he was in our house putting all the kids in the van the moment Bria arrived. It feels very unfair.
My fear is that I will still be really sad as I care for this new life. I know I will be happy to hold my baby, I just wish it could arrive with lots more joy. I am thankful for the child I am carrying though and it is true, God seems to bring new babies where there is loss. I just pray that baby will now how much we love him or her despite how hard these last few months have been.
If anyone else has been grieving while pregnant, I would love to hear how you got through it. Please share if you feel up to it.
This pregnancy I have challenged myself to be as healthy as possible and workout five times a week. I have focused on a diet that includes plenty of protein and lots of greens along with the proper vitamins to make a great healthy baby, but I did not think I was going to suffer from grief a couple of months away from delivering my little one.
Now I am struck by a crazy form of nesting. Instead of looking forward to folding up little baby clothes in a dresser and making as much baby stuff as I can before I see my baby, I spend most of the day with a tape of my father and all my memories playing in my head. I think about how much time he spent with my other children. Then I imagine his voice because I never want to forget what it sounded like.
After hours of this I get a burst of energy out of nowhere to clean bathrooms, mop floors, unpack boxes (since we just moved into a new home two days before I found out my dad passed away two weeks ago). Then I start to imagine the tasks I want to do for the baby. I ordered my birth kit to make sure I don't forget later.
My husband reminds me how exciting it will be to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I keep trying to eat more greens, to eat at all. Most food was not that great one week after finding out a loved one is gone and now I can taste again, but barely feel like eating. I promised my baby the day I found out about my dad that I would keep feeding him or her.
So many birth plans have changed. My dad was going to take some of the kids, my mom the rest. We had help and now I am praying for my much desired middle of the night birth where my kids sleep through it all and we get to show them a baby in the morning. If this does not work my mom will be upstairs with the kids. For some reason I feel at peace about the birth because I know God is in control. In the past I have worried much more.
I often have gotten carried away with wanting to buy things for the baby, but I have been too distracted to think about that, plus we don't really need new things. Instead of wanting new things, I think about how my dad will not get to meet this baby and how he was in our house putting all the kids in the van the moment Bria arrived. It feels very unfair.
My fear is that I will still be really sad as I care for this new life. I know I will be happy to hold my baby, I just wish it could arrive with lots more joy. I am thankful for the child I am carrying though and it is true, God seems to bring new babies where there is loss. I just pray that baby will now how much we love him or her despite how hard these last few months have been.
If anyone else has been grieving while pregnant, I would love to hear how you got through it. Please share if you feel up to it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Memories of My Dad
My Dad was always the strongest person I knew. From my youngest childhood memories we were trekking in Nepal when I was only two and my brother was an infant. Then when I was around seven years old, I remember people cautioning my dad to tie my brother and I to a rope as we climbed up this challenging mountain in Switzerland. Sam and I were mostly focused on getting to the bottom for ice cream and playing giant chess (a chess board we could see from the mountain). Then there was the canoe trip where people had died the week before. I remember feeling so relieved when we got the the portage at Thunderhouse fall alone. Everything we did had to be interesting and a challenge. My dad wanted to be unique and he was.
Not everything was an adventure. My dad also tried to balance out this side of him with a few “normal” activities. Every year my elementary school had a father daughter square dance and my dad and I would attend it. He really was not much of a dancer, so it meant a lot to me that he was even willing to go.
My brother and I would play chess and other board games in the living room when my dad was home. I also would dance around the living room for my dad as he listened to classical music and payed the bills.
In my more recent memories, I remember my dad dropping me off at Whitman college and for the first time in my life, I knew nothing would be the same. It was strange to go back to my dorm room alone. He had handed me some form of adulthood.
Before my dad died I wanted to give him two things: Grandchildren and proof that I would do something great with my college degree. I am glad he got to enjoy his grandchildren. He taught my oldest three kids to ride bikes. We started a Christmas tradition of cutting down our tree, something that motivated my dad to be more involved at Christmas time. He also introduced the kids to camping, sailing, and his love for hiking on beaches and in the mountains.
Dad, I wish you were going to be be here to see what comes next. I have not forgotten my degree and still hope to publish a book someday. When I do, it will be dedicated to you.
Thank you for the many joyful memories, we will miss you. Know you were loved by all of us.
Not everything was an adventure. My dad also tried to balance out this side of him with a few “normal” activities. Every year my elementary school had a father daughter square dance and my dad and I would attend it. He really was not much of a dancer, so it meant a lot to me that he was even willing to go.
My brother and I would play chess and other board games in the living room when my dad was home. I also would dance around the living room for my dad as he listened to classical music and payed the bills.
In my more recent memories, I remember my dad dropping me off at Whitman college and for the first time in my life, I knew nothing would be the same. It was strange to go back to my dorm room alone. He had handed me some form of adulthood.
Before my dad died I wanted to give him two things: Grandchildren and proof that I would do something great with my college degree. I am glad he got to enjoy his grandchildren. He taught my oldest three kids to ride bikes. We started a Christmas tradition of cutting down our tree, something that motivated my dad to be more involved at Christmas time. He also introduced the kids to camping, sailing, and his love for hiking on beaches and in the mountains.
Dad, I wish you were going to be be here to see what comes next. I have not forgotten my degree and still hope to publish a book someday. When I do, it will be dedicated to you.
Thank you for the many joyful memories, we will miss you. Know you were loved by all of us.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Me: Grief
I lost my father this week. It may have been a couple of weeks ago, we do not know the time of death. What we do know is that it was sudden and a shock to all of us. My dad was the strongest person I knew, racing up mountains even just two months ago. He never wanted to stop doing all the outdoor activities he loved so much. It is so hard to believe that someone who could have been trekking in Nepal a few months ago is just gone.
Things were not perfect with him. We all have regrets when someone dies, but I missed out of seeing him one last time because of a play date. I know there is no way I could have known that this would have been the last time I could have seen him, but it still hurts.
As a family we were frustrated with my dad because of some poor decisions. He had isolated himself from us all and was living alone. None of us knew he had passed away, we all just thought he was avoiding us. Then when it have been kind of long for him to not talk to anyone my brother checked on him and found him dead.
Maybe we could have helped him if he had not been living alone, or maybe this would have happened anyway. We will never have the answer to this question. He died of internal bleeding due to a complication with his blood thinners. I just wish we could have been the family we once were before he died. We did have enough time to work through some family conflicts.
Now I hear his voice in my head. I miss hearing it. I cannot bear to think that he will not be around to see my new baby due in April, or go bike riding with my kids (something he was doing every week).
I have gone through good memories, bad ones, and everything in between, but I still cannot believe he is really gone. It feels like a bad dream making arrangements for a memorial service and looking at all of his things. He will not go sailing again, his kayaks are sitting waiting for him, but he is gone.
Dad, I miss you. I loved you so much. You were a great father who provided well for his family. I am thankful I had you in my life.
Things were not perfect with him. We all have regrets when someone dies, but I missed out of seeing him one last time because of a play date. I know there is no way I could have known that this would have been the last time I could have seen him, but it still hurts.
As a family we were frustrated with my dad because of some poor decisions. He had isolated himself from us all and was living alone. None of us knew he had passed away, we all just thought he was avoiding us. Then when it have been kind of long for him to not talk to anyone my brother checked on him and found him dead.
Maybe we could have helped him if he had not been living alone, or maybe this would have happened anyway. We will never have the answer to this question. He died of internal bleeding due to a complication with his blood thinners. I just wish we could have been the family we once were before he died. We did have enough time to work through some family conflicts.
Now I hear his voice in my head. I miss hearing it. I cannot bear to think that he will not be around to see my new baby due in April, or go bike riding with my kids (something he was doing every week).
I have gone through good memories, bad ones, and everything in between, but I still cannot believe he is really gone. It feels like a bad dream making arrangements for a memorial service and looking at all of his things. He will not go sailing again, his kayaks are sitting waiting for him, but he is gone.
Dad, I miss you. I loved you so much. You were a great father who provided well for his family. I am thankful I had you in my life.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Me: Third Trimester
As the third trimester of baby number 6 approaches, I have been lacking in energy and motivation to write. I hope to get this back soon. I guess I could add the January has been our hard month for my family due to a loss in the family on my husband's side and some disputes with other family members. It only takes a few things to be completely distracted.
I have spent more time in the kitchen since out Holiday rush ended. There have been some cookies and even cupcakes made. I had to use my new cake decorating set, so I learned how to make French macaroons for Christmas and could not wait to ice cupcakes without a knife! I agree, it is difficult to make perfect macaroons on the first try, but they still had a melt in your mouth quality that made it worth it. And to use a little less sugar, we filled ours with almond butter and a tiny bit of powdered sugar.
Projects have begun again as I decided to make my first braided rug in honor of Tim's great grandmother, who we lost a few weeks ago. She was a really special woman and I wish I could have known her better. One of her favorite hobbies was making braided rugs, so as I make ours, I feel like I am getting to know a part of her.
The kids are growing up much more. Bria's wobbly walk is now a dash to toys she wants to play with. Charis is talking much more. Dominic is a three and half year old and letting us know it, sweetly and not so sweetly. Ellie and Joel are loving school and missed it a lot when they were home for Christmas break.
My bump went from small to giant in one month. What happened, I am not sure. Guess the baby just got more comfortable in there. Now I am crashing into things a lot more and I have to make sure I don't do too much to make my back hurt. However, working out is one of the best ways to keep the back working great. I love prenatal yoga and do no know how I made it through three pregnancies without it. Today I thought I would not have the back strength to get the kids in bed, and I did yoga and suddenly I feel much better. It is wonderful.
One of my goals for the new year was to clean places in the house I like to forget about. The tops of the kitchen cabinets are done, I through out rag clothing and saved what I could to make the braided rug, I am working on figuring out a new filing system for all our household documents, and the garage should be soon. I am a bit afraid of the garage since there is so much clutter. It feels good to finally let go of things.
So I guess this is more of an update than a heartfelt post. Maybe it can double as the Christmas letter we never got around to writing or sending.
I have spent more time in the kitchen since out Holiday rush ended. There have been some cookies and even cupcakes made. I had to use my new cake decorating set, so I learned how to make French macaroons for Christmas and could not wait to ice cupcakes without a knife! I agree, it is difficult to make perfect macaroons on the first try, but they still had a melt in your mouth quality that made it worth it. And to use a little less sugar, we filled ours with almond butter and a tiny bit of powdered sugar.
Projects have begun again as I decided to make my first braided rug in honor of Tim's great grandmother, who we lost a few weeks ago. She was a really special woman and I wish I could have known her better. One of her favorite hobbies was making braided rugs, so as I make ours, I feel like I am getting to know a part of her.
The kids are growing up much more. Bria's wobbly walk is now a dash to toys she wants to play with. Charis is talking much more. Dominic is a three and half year old and letting us know it, sweetly and not so sweetly. Ellie and Joel are loving school and missed it a lot when they were home for Christmas break.
My bump went from small to giant in one month. What happened, I am not sure. Guess the baby just got more comfortable in there. Now I am crashing into things a lot more and I have to make sure I don't do too much to make my back hurt. However, working out is one of the best ways to keep the back working great. I love prenatal yoga and do no know how I made it through three pregnancies without it. Today I thought I would not have the back strength to get the kids in bed, and I did yoga and suddenly I feel much better. It is wonderful.
One of my goals for the new year was to clean places in the house I like to forget about. The tops of the kitchen cabinets are done, I through out rag clothing and saved what I could to make the braided rug, I am working on figuring out a new filing system for all our household documents, and the garage should be soon. I am a bit afraid of the garage since there is so much clutter. It feels good to finally let go of things.
So I guess this is more of an update than a heartfelt post. Maybe it can double as the Christmas letter we never got around to writing or sending.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Me: Top Pregnacy Tips
So here I am again, pregnant with baby number six, and even if I don't plan to write a whole blog about this baby, I am still super pregnancy brain focused. After each baby, I want to improve the pregnancy experience and figure out ways to stay healthy, fit and sane.
Over the last few years I have found it is important to focus on these things:
DIET! Women, Americans and food do not have the best relationships. Many people barely make time to eat, while others graze all day long. When one is pregnant think about nutrition as something one wants to understand better for the sake of the pregnancy and also the health of you whole family as everyone grows. Eating for comfort is modeled to your children. So is rushing through food and running off to the next activity. Sit down, have a healthy meal and even consider sitting down for small snacks. Relaxing is important. Also, consider the fact that if you eat proper food you will not feel hungry two seconds later. When you have morning sickness eat yogurt, an egg, something with good protein. If you go for a muffin, you will probably still feel sick. One does not have to cut out all sweets, but think about what is in junk food. Don't eat too much sugar. I have to say I have a sweet tooth. I love ice cream when I am pregnant and when I am not. I have learned that having a small amount is maybe not perfect, but controlled enough to not cause major harm. However, with my second child I ate what ever I wanted and I gained the most weight that pregnancy and never lost it all. When eating what one's body needs it is not impossible to shed baby weight without much effort in the year following the birth. I am still kicking myself for not being more careful with baby number two. With every other baby I have focused on eating as healthy as possible.
Then next thing is planning a workout routine. In the first month nobody wants to workout. I felt sick a lot this time around, but I still worked out. I have use Lindsey Brin's Moms Into Fitness workout portal. There is a monthly fee and and that keeps me motivated to keep working out. Miss a month, miss out on a $12 investment. (www.momsintofitness.com ) Plus, her workouts are amazing. I used her workouts to recover from baby number five, and I lost all the weight I had gained for that baby and a couple more pounds in about five months. Then I got pregnant again. My body was in such good shape I did not experience back pain, like I have in my past couple of pregnancies and I feel a lot like I did with baby number one. I am 20 weeks and 5 days and I have gained 3 1/4 pounds this entire pregnancy this far and I feel stronger than I have in years. I used to think walking would work, but after a few babies one needs to fix the core. Let's face it, if you are like me and have about 3-9 months between pregnancies, one needs to improve the body fast. I never thought I could feel like this pregnant with baby number six.
Then vitamins are very helpful. I have been working with midwife Carol Gautschi and she recommends a list of vitamins, not just a prenatal. Check out her list here http://gentlebirths.net/22/getting-started/. I am telling you it helps keep energy up, prevent illness, and much more. Plus she has all her clients take and herbal infusion http://gentlebirths.net/17/herbal-pregnancy-blend/. I have found that taking this I have less morning sickness and each herb has many more benefits. In talking with Carol at my last appointment she even said it helps prevent postpartum bleeding. I know I have not had any major bleed problems and I had retained placenta two times before working with Carol.
I have also been taking Dr Rons doc's best and calcium https://www.drrons.com/key-nutrients-formulas.htm since I was pregnant with my first baby. I take the doc's best instead of a prenatal. It has everything in it, just like a prenatal, but I know that is made from good sources.
To add to being healthy, sleep is also very important. It seems so easy, but getting into a good sleep routine is not always simple. With baby number one I rarely went to bed before 11PM and I never wanted to be up around 6 AM when my baby was up. I felt a mess all day, longing for the naps I could take when the baby was sleeping and I never really felt rested. I figured if I had to get up so much in the night, I might as well stay up until I was done with the first night feeding. Now, I just go to bed when I can. My goal is before 10 PM and closer to 9 PM. I am a much more fun mommy if I sleep. Even getting up for feedings is less stressful if I can try to aim for around seven hours of sleep total a day. Now my husband and I barely use an alarm clock. We usually get woken up by a baby, but even if we don't we wake up anyway. It is great. I hate waking up to beeping.
So pregnancy is not always easy and fun, but there are a few things one can do to make it just a bit better. Just remember, take care of you and your baby and just that alone will make you feel better.
Over the last few years I have found it is important to focus on these things:
DIET! Women, Americans and food do not have the best relationships. Many people barely make time to eat, while others graze all day long. When one is pregnant think about nutrition as something one wants to understand better for the sake of the pregnancy and also the health of you whole family as everyone grows. Eating for comfort is modeled to your children. So is rushing through food and running off to the next activity. Sit down, have a healthy meal and even consider sitting down for small snacks. Relaxing is important. Also, consider the fact that if you eat proper food you will not feel hungry two seconds later. When you have morning sickness eat yogurt, an egg, something with good protein. If you go for a muffin, you will probably still feel sick. One does not have to cut out all sweets, but think about what is in junk food. Don't eat too much sugar. I have to say I have a sweet tooth. I love ice cream when I am pregnant and when I am not. I have learned that having a small amount is maybe not perfect, but controlled enough to not cause major harm. However, with my second child I ate what ever I wanted and I gained the most weight that pregnancy and never lost it all. When eating what one's body needs it is not impossible to shed baby weight without much effort in the year following the birth. I am still kicking myself for not being more careful with baby number two. With every other baby I have focused on eating as healthy as possible.
Then next thing is planning a workout routine. In the first month nobody wants to workout. I felt sick a lot this time around, but I still worked out. I have use Lindsey Brin's Moms Into Fitness workout portal. There is a monthly fee and and that keeps me motivated to keep working out. Miss a month, miss out on a $12 investment. (www.momsintofitness.com ) Plus, her workouts are amazing. I used her workouts to recover from baby number five, and I lost all the weight I had gained for that baby and a couple more pounds in about five months. Then I got pregnant again. My body was in such good shape I did not experience back pain, like I have in my past couple of pregnancies and I feel a lot like I did with baby number one. I am 20 weeks and 5 days and I have gained 3 1/4 pounds this entire pregnancy this far and I feel stronger than I have in years. I used to think walking would work, but after a few babies one needs to fix the core. Let's face it, if you are like me and have about 3-9 months between pregnancies, one needs to improve the body fast. I never thought I could feel like this pregnant with baby number six.
Then vitamins are very helpful. I have been working with midwife Carol Gautschi and she recommends a list of vitamins, not just a prenatal. Check out her list here http://gentlebirths.net/22/getting-started/. I am telling you it helps keep energy up, prevent illness, and much more. Plus she has all her clients take and herbal infusion http://gentlebirths.net/17/herbal-pregnancy-blend/. I have found that taking this I have less morning sickness and each herb has many more benefits. In talking with Carol at my last appointment she even said it helps prevent postpartum bleeding. I know I have not had any major bleed problems and I had retained placenta two times before working with Carol.
I have also been taking Dr Rons doc's best and calcium https://www.drrons.com/key-nutrients-formulas.htm since I was pregnant with my first baby. I take the doc's best instead of a prenatal. It has everything in it, just like a prenatal, but I know that is made from good sources.
To add to being healthy, sleep is also very important. It seems so easy, but getting into a good sleep routine is not always simple. With baby number one I rarely went to bed before 11PM and I never wanted to be up around 6 AM when my baby was up. I felt a mess all day, longing for the naps I could take when the baby was sleeping and I never really felt rested. I figured if I had to get up so much in the night, I might as well stay up until I was done with the first night feeding. Now, I just go to bed when I can. My goal is before 10 PM and closer to 9 PM. I am a much more fun mommy if I sleep. Even getting up for feedings is less stressful if I can try to aim for around seven hours of sleep total a day. Now my husband and I barely use an alarm clock. We usually get woken up by a baby, but even if we don't we wake up anyway. It is great. I hate waking up to beeping.
So pregnancy is not always easy and fun, but there are a few things one can do to make it just a bit better. Just remember, take care of you and your baby and just that alone will make you feel better.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Community: Hospitality and Family
Hospitality is a concept I thought all people viewed the same. As little kids, that spent time with other little kids from a similar class and background, I was usually treated the same way. If a person invited you over, you were fed if it was a meal time and treated like a guest no matter what age you were.
I just thought that going over people's homes and spend quality time would be a part of life. I assumed that people liked being around other people. One might say, I began to realize this was not true the second I moved off campus at my small liberal arts college.
On campus there was always something to do and lots of people around. When I moved into my first apartment, I thought life would be like it is on the show "Friends", but it was not that way. People I went to school with lived in our building. We would say "Hello" in the hallways and carry on. Drop by visits disappeared and turned into dinner invitations and meeting for coffee. We were busy college students with very little extra time.
Motherhood brought a whole new world of hospitality. When I just had one or two little ones, there were plenty of playgroups to keep my week very full. I never really felt like I was sitting around at home with just my children until around baby number 3. Most families at this point were out of stage baby and into putting their kids in preschool and activities. I was one of the few to keep having children and I did not put my oldest in preschool. My social life got smaller and smaller.
Then I got to thinking the other day. My closest friends from childhood are still my close friends now, I just do not live near any of them. These are the people I would run to without feeling like I had to simplify my problems. How can one really expect to build those kinds of friendships as an adult?
I thought having babies at the same time as other people would create lasting bonds. With my first child, I did become close friends with a couple of other ladies who were pregnant too. Having a first baby is such an unique time in life and the people around you then play such a huge role in all of it. However, I did not find that experience to be the same with other pregnancies.
Having kids gave me reasons to be places where other parents would be, but that does not automatically create friendships. Neither does just walking into a church. I would have to say I have joined group after group and one only becomes actual friends with a small number of people from those experiences. I may not feel as lonely because I have stuff to do, but in the seasons where getting out of the house is too difficult, things go quit as groups go on and you don't attend them.
Perhaps my approach to friendship is all wrong. Our number one small group is the family unit. We live in a culture where the family is constantly being split into little pieces. Every child has a life of his or her own. Both parents tend to work. Nobody spends much of the week together. The longer this continues the more effort it takes to keep up with everyone. I only have two kids in school and I currently do not work, but I still feel like I have lost a part of my kids. Yes, part of that is letting them go, but what levels of letting a child go is right? Being a close family unit is very important to me. I don't want to get lazy.
My husband and I have the same conversation over and over. "I feel so alone," I say as an extrovert trapped at home.
"Are you saying that your family is not good enough for you?" he asks.
"No, I don't mean that. I just feel like our community is lacking," I say.
Maybe my community is not lacking. I made up for the family time I did not have by spending lots of time with friends as a kid. I had a stay at home mom, but my dad traveled a lot. We went on family trips, but each family member did have secrets lives. It was very common to walk into our home and find each family member in a different room, except at dinner time. We all had dinner together. (that I am super grateful for). I would say I had more of my family's attention than most, but still felt alone.
What if my main community could be my family? How do we keep a home where were are not all doing our own activities in different rooms all the time? My kids have to mainly play in the living room because we do not have much space anywhere else. We have decided to make bedrooms for sleeping, so if one were to stop by our home, chances are all kids would be in the living room playing. This system does lead to lots more fights, but my our family is together most of the time. The older kids are involved with the little kids all the days that they are home. It is rare for them to even ask for friends to come over.
Having friends is an important part of life, but I think I have been placing it too high above other parts of life. I still wish I had time for weekly coffee dates and chatting to another adult, but I have a loving husband and five amazing kids. How could they not be the best community?
I just thought that going over people's homes and spend quality time would be a part of life. I assumed that people liked being around other people. One might say, I began to realize this was not true the second I moved off campus at my small liberal arts college.
On campus there was always something to do and lots of people around. When I moved into my first apartment, I thought life would be like it is on the show "Friends", but it was not that way. People I went to school with lived in our building. We would say "Hello" in the hallways and carry on. Drop by visits disappeared and turned into dinner invitations and meeting for coffee. We were busy college students with very little extra time.
Motherhood brought a whole new world of hospitality. When I just had one or two little ones, there were plenty of playgroups to keep my week very full. I never really felt like I was sitting around at home with just my children until around baby number 3. Most families at this point were out of stage baby and into putting their kids in preschool and activities. I was one of the few to keep having children and I did not put my oldest in preschool. My social life got smaller and smaller.
Then I got to thinking the other day. My closest friends from childhood are still my close friends now, I just do not live near any of them. These are the people I would run to without feeling like I had to simplify my problems. How can one really expect to build those kinds of friendships as an adult?
I thought having babies at the same time as other people would create lasting bonds. With my first child, I did become close friends with a couple of other ladies who were pregnant too. Having a first baby is such an unique time in life and the people around you then play such a huge role in all of it. However, I did not find that experience to be the same with other pregnancies.
Having kids gave me reasons to be places where other parents would be, but that does not automatically create friendships. Neither does just walking into a church. I would have to say I have joined group after group and one only becomes actual friends with a small number of people from those experiences. I may not feel as lonely because I have stuff to do, but in the seasons where getting out of the house is too difficult, things go quit as groups go on and you don't attend them.
Perhaps my approach to friendship is all wrong. Our number one small group is the family unit. We live in a culture where the family is constantly being split into little pieces. Every child has a life of his or her own. Both parents tend to work. Nobody spends much of the week together. The longer this continues the more effort it takes to keep up with everyone. I only have two kids in school and I currently do not work, but I still feel like I have lost a part of my kids. Yes, part of that is letting them go, but what levels of letting a child go is right? Being a close family unit is very important to me. I don't want to get lazy.
My husband and I have the same conversation over and over. "I feel so alone," I say as an extrovert trapped at home.
"Are you saying that your family is not good enough for you?" he asks.
"No, I don't mean that. I just feel like our community is lacking," I say.
Maybe my community is not lacking. I made up for the family time I did not have by spending lots of time with friends as a kid. I had a stay at home mom, but my dad traveled a lot. We went on family trips, but each family member did have secrets lives. It was very common to walk into our home and find each family member in a different room, except at dinner time. We all had dinner together. (that I am super grateful for). I would say I had more of my family's attention than most, but still felt alone.
What if my main community could be my family? How do we keep a home where were are not all doing our own activities in different rooms all the time? My kids have to mainly play in the living room because we do not have much space anywhere else. We have decided to make bedrooms for sleeping, so if one were to stop by our home, chances are all kids would be in the living room playing. This system does lead to lots more fights, but my our family is together most of the time. The older kids are involved with the little kids all the days that they are home. It is rare for them to even ask for friends to come over.
Having friends is an important part of life, but I think I have been placing it too high above other parts of life. I still wish I had time for weekly coffee dates and chatting to another adult, but I have a loving husband and five amazing kids. How could they not be the best community?
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