This has been the most challenging year of my life so far. Losing my dad nine months ago has left me feeling bruised with sorrow. I wish there was an easy way to deal with grief, but so I have been told and as I am experiencing, there is no way to rush the process.
I look at Isaiah's blue grey eyes and I think God gave me my second blue eyed baby boy for this time to help me feel like I still have a part of my father with me. Today marks the day that I have allowed myself to look at all of his clothing. My husband and my dad could share clothes, so Tim inherited any clothing he wanted to keep. We were so sad when we cleaned out his closet, Tim took everything. As I opened boxes of sweaters and jackets it is as if he never left. Everything still smells like his laundry soap. Each garment is so familiar.
The trails in Port Ludlow have been my place to remember my dad. He never got to walk on any of them with me, but I know he would have loved them. They are easy enough for the kids and this time of year there mushrooms are everywhere. My dad was great at identifying mushrooms. We always knew which ones would be safe to eat.
Bird sounds fill the deep dark forests around me and I can imagine him telling the kids and I what sound belongs to different kinds of birds. God if he could have stuck around longer he could have taught us so much more.
Dominic has just reached an age where he wants to learn about the plants, mushrooms, animals, and everything related to nature. I think about how much my dad would have loved hiking with him. All my kids still feel sad. He was a close relative to them, a space in their lives sits waiting to understand why he had to die.
Death happens to all of us. My kids have learned a lot about that this year as we have also lost Tim's great grandmother and his grandfather (his mom's dad). I have never had a year of loss like this.
The other day my mom sat with my whole family at a table and mention how she wished her mother could have met all my children. It is something I did not think much of as a child and now I think about things like this every day.
So I have not been able to write. I don't want to write angry posts, sad posts, or the same thing over and over, but I do want to keep people updated. This holiday season is cloaked in fog. Last year we had a large Christmas feast, now our table has a few less seats. Our Christmas tree cutting will not be the same. My kids have been asking about the Christmas tree since my dad passed away.
For a while I just wanted the holiday season to be over because it is so painful, but as the air gets crisp, I start to feel some joy bubbling up in me. It is still a season to love and give even if one is sad. Life will never be the same, but it will be new and different. Dad I still miss you like crazy and wish you were here to enjoy all the new moments in life.
As my heart still aches, there may be less inspiring posts, but I hope that sharing my grief may reach out to others who miss someone.
