The last post I wrote reflected on traditions mostly. I am sure some of you want the year update and a most traditional idea of what we have all been up to. Anyone who has been following my blog might have realized that I have not been posting every week or even once a month. Where have I been hiding?
The new year 2013 began slightly rocky as I lost my father and I am still in recovery mode. I also gave birth to Isaiah a few months later adding some joy in all the grief. Isaiah is a great addition to our family. Even though I have no blood relation to my father, there are traits in Isaiah that remind me of my dad. He has piercing grey blue eyes. Yes all babies have blue eyes, well not all of mine. Isaiah is the second baby with blue eyes in our six. He has a wispy curl framing his face a lot like my dad as well. Then their is Isaiah's don't quit personality. This kid is trying to walk along the furniture at seven months old and I am sure he will be rock climbing by one.
Bria has beautiful curly hair. I used to want curly blond hair when I was little and I would say Bria's curls are exactly what I pictured minus the hair color. As baby number five, Bria has a strong personality and we are enjoying some of the ways it plays out. She will sing for hours, just as many of our kids did. She love to try and keep up with all the other siblings. This one will not be left behind and sometimes I forget she is only two.
Charis is silent, but very accomplished. She practically potty trained herself and she does not make a show of it. She is the child people say they might forget because she is so quiet. Quiet she is, but she also uses this quiet energy to build inventions and tenderly care for her dolls.
Dominic and the most outgoing child. He expects all strangers to smile back at him as he bothered to notice them. He just loves people. Trains, car, planes, and trucks are some of Dominic's favorite toys. He loves to run around when he can get away with it and is full of energy.
Ellie is born for the stage. She just wowed us in her first solo for her school play and she does not seem to be afraid to shine in public at all. Sometimes I feel like I am looking at a more fearless version of me. This is the child who wants to do everything perfectly and most of the time does.
Joel continues to be quiet and shy, but he is great at conversations too. He loves to talk about his school adventures and ask a million questions. I have a hard time keeping up with every topic that interests him. He is also my pro helper with baby Isaiah and keeps asking for another baby.
Tim just got a job as the Branch manager for US Bank in Quilcene. Up until a few weeks ago we were planning on packing our bags for southern CA, but things changed quite quickly. So if you are in the NW, that is were we continue to live.
I am still a stay at home mommy, but I did start a small home business called RubyRumps. I sew cloth diapers, wipes, reusable bags, and we'll see what the new year holds. I still long to see a book published someday, but right now I am enjoying my family and it keeps me very busy.
These are just a few highlights of the year. I hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
A Very Ruybalid Christmas
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| The kids decorated the tree mostly themselves this year! |
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| My oldest son took this picture |
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| We always cut our own tree, this year our tree is small and my son Joel is still asking if we can get a better one next year | . |
This year I did actually get around to making Christmas cards, but we did not write a letter. In my family the letter is just a much a part of the Christmas card tradition as the card. My family usually has a stack of other people's letters on a coffee table in the living that we read as they are received and again as we might want to. Cards are posted on the wall as well. With the invention of photo cards, we usually have a fridge covered in beautiful family photos.
I love to reflect on traditions this time of year because it is one of the few seasons people still focus on traditions. My mother and her mother and probably mothers before that have always made mince pies. I do not own a mince pie tin, but I have adapted my recipe to muffin tins. The danger in making mince pies in muffin tins is that they are much bigger than my mom's cute little mince pies. One can get away with eating a couple of mom's, but we should probably stick to one pie each. Sadly I only make my own pastry for these sweet treats as my mom is the one who makes the mince meat each year. Her mince meat does not have actual meat in it. It is dried fruit soaked in sugar and brandy, but again I have yet to make it myself. I need to get her recipe so I can pass the tradition down of course. My pastry recipe is simple:
2 1/2 cups of flour
1 tbsp sugar
cut 1/2 cup of butter into until you have crumble like texture
add one egg and them mix in just enough water to make a smooth dough a few tbsps
My mom's mince meat is also great for making a batch of Stollen as a lot of the ingredients are there. I just add blanched almonds to the fruit. We have had Stollen for about the past three years because a bakery in town makes some amazing Stollen and I wanted to figure out how to bake it myself. I am not sure if I will make this every year, but it is a fun find.
During the Christmas season we try and make gingerbread cookies and sugar cookies at least once. This year we did not make cut outs, but there is still time. The kids are just thrilled when I get the red and green sprinkles out. Our sugar cookies this year had a hint of peppermint extract in them, something I have thought might be gross, but actually ended up tasting great. Just skip the vanilla and add peppermint instead. The house smells like Christmas as they bake and they taste like a cake-like candy cane.
With little kids it is easy to try to hard to create experiences that only make one tired. It is good to pair things down a bit and figure out what activities best suit your family. We all like to bake, but I want my little kids to be a part of it too.
My family made a big deal about the Christmas dinner and my husband remembers fancy Christmas breakfasts. We combine them all to make a lot of family time at the table together. We start with eggs, salsa, gingerbread men biscuits, and usually some fruit. Then the rib roast goes in the oven and the side dishes change yearly based on who is around to eat them. Last year we made french macaroons for after dinner, but I am not sure if I feel like working that hard this year. I had help from my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law piped them all perfectly. I have consider brownies cut out like Christmas trees, or maybe some other kind of mini cakes. That could be fun actually. We will have to wait and see. I should have this planned by now, but I do not. There are still a couple of days.
I guess you could say we focus on food and meals because gifts in our house are usually homemade. The kids often find them while I am making them. There are some surprises of course and we all enjoy homemade hats, pjs, sock, dresses, and all. I like making gifts for the kids because we can add a personal touch to everything. Just about everything on the tree was made by the kids as well. Then I know nothing will break on them and everything is fun a playful looking.
Now what does this have to do with a Christmas letter? It doesn't. I guess part two of my post will be the actual Christmas letter, hopefully written before Christmas.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Emotions Block Writing
This has been the most challenging year of my life so far. Losing my dad nine months ago has left me feeling bruised with sorrow. I wish there was an easy way to deal with grief, but so I have been told and as I am experiencing, there is no way to rush the process.
I look at Isaiah's blue grey eyes and I think God gave me my second blue eyed baby boy for this time to help me feel like I still have a part of my father with me. Today marks the day that I have allowed myself to look at all of his clothing. My husband and my dad could share clothes, so Tim inherited any clothing he wanted to keep. We were so sad when we cleaned out his closet, Tim took everything. As I opened boxes of sweaters and jackets it is as if he never left. Everything still smells like his laundry soap. Each garment is so familiar.
The trails in Port Ludlow have been my place to remember my dad. He never got to walk on any of them with me, but I know he would have loved them. They are easy enough for the kids and this time of year there mushrooms are everywhere. My dad was great at identifying mushrooms. We always knew which ones would be safe to eat.
Bird sounds fill the deep dark forests around me and I can imagine him telling the kids and I what sound belongs to different kinds of birds. God if he could have stuck around longer he could have taught us so much more.
Dominic has just reached an age where he wants to learn about the plants, mushrooms, animals, and everything related to nature. I think about how much my dad would have loved hiking with him. All my kids still feel sad. He was a close relative to them, a space in their lives sits waiting to understand why he had to die.
Death happens to all of us. My kids have learned a lot about that this year as we have also lost Tim's great grandmother and his grandfather (his mom's dad). I have never had a year of loss like this.
The other day my mom sat with my whole family at a table and mention how she wished her mother could have met all my children. It is something I did not think much of as a child and now I think about things like this every day.
So I have not been able to write. I don't want to write angry posts, sad posts, or the same thing over and over, but I do want to keep people updated. This holiday season is cloaked in fog. Last year we had a large Christmas feast, now our table has a few less seats. Our Christmas tree cutting will not be the same. My kids have been asking about the Christmas tree since my dad passed away.
For a while I just wanted the holiday season to be over because it is so painful, but as the air gets crisp, I start to feel some joy bubbling up in me. It is still a season to love and give even if one is sad. Life will never be the same, but it will be new and different. Dad I still miss you like crazy and wish you were here to enjoy all the new moments in life.
As my heart still aches, there may be less inspiring posts, but I hope that sharing my grief may reach out to others who miss someone.
I look at Isaiah's blue grey eyes and I think God gave me my second blue eyed baby boy for this time to help me feel like I still have a part of my father with me. Today marks the day that I have allowed myself to look at all of his clothing. My husband and my dad could share clothes, so Tim inherited any clothing he wanted to keep. We were so sad when we cleaned out his closet, Tim took everything. As I opened boxes of sweaters and jackets it is as if he never left. Everything still smells like his laundry soap. Each garment is so familiar.
The trails in Port Ludlow have been my place to remember my dad. He never got to walk on any of them with me, but I know he would have loved them. They are easy enough for the kids and this time of year there mushrooms are everywhere. My dad was great at identifying mushrooms. We always knew which ones would be safe to eat.
Bird sounds fill the deep dark forests around me and I can imagine him telling the kids and I what sound belongs to different kinds of birds. God if he could have stuck around longer he could have taught us so much more.
Dominic has just reached an age where he wants to learn about the plants, mushrooms, animals, and everything related to nature. I think about how much my dad would have loved hiking with him. All my kids still feel sad. He was a close relative to them, a space in their lives sits waiting to understand why he had to die.
Death happens to all of us. My kids have learned a lot about that this year as we have also lost Tim's great grandmother and his grandfather (his mom's dad). I have never had a year of loss like this.
The other day my mom sat with my whole family at a table and mention how she wished her mother could have met all my children. It is something I did not think much of as a child and now I think about things like this every day.
So I have not been able to write. I don't want to write angry posts, sad posts, or the same thing over and over, but I do want to keep people updated. This holiday season is cloaked in fog. Last year we had a large Christmas feast, now our table has a few less seats. Our Christmas tree cutting will not be the same. My kids have been asking about the Christmas tree since my dad passed away.
For a while I just wanted the holiday season to be over because it is so painful, but as the air gets crisp, I start to feel some joy bubbling up in me. It is still a season to love and give even if one is sad. Life will never be the same, but it will be new and different. Dad I still miss you like crazy and wish you were here to enjoy all the new moments in life.
As my heart still aches, there may be less inspiring posts, but I hope that sharing my grief may reach out to others who miss someone.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Scattered Projects=Scattered World
I used to have an card on my desk that said, "There are no good days or bad days, only days of grace." When I was in high school this is phrase kept me from getting too stressed out over papers and projects. Now this phrase means so much more. Juggling life is making sure there is food, a roof, money, time for the family ...the list is endless. Becoming an adult is so much more than I thought it would be.
There are traces of childhood that still float through me. I love sitting down an making something. When I was little I made lots of clothing for my dolls, now I make stuff for my home and the kids. The projects in my living room include a braided basket made of two old twin sheets, some mats, a braided rug, several RubyRumps cloth diapers, a wool diaper cover, and a baby gift for a friend who already had her baby over a month ago. My goals are running away with me, but usually I am better at finishing one project before starting another.
This is so symbolic of my life. I find myself running in circles through many tasks. Cooking ruts happen even with things like pinterest for new ideas. We eat different variations of the same things, but the other day I remembered it has been over a year since I may Indian food. For the kids it was a whole educational experience as I explained the food and how when I was in Bangladesh I got to eat with my hands. They all got a kick out of this.
So as my husband always asks, "What are you babbling about?" I am no sure what I am babbling about. I think my main point in the babble is to try in make sense of a direction when life starts to get jumbled as mine clearly has. I want a goal. Part of me insists it be beyond starting a business, cooking and cleaning, attempting to be super mommy, or even making sure I get my body back someday from the wear and tear of SIX babies!
Focus has not been my strong suit. I picked a liberal arts college so I would not have to limit myself and pick one thing. Is it even natural to define oneself by one thing? In my opinion it is not. So here is where I am at in finding a life goal. I want to be a stay at home mom, I may still want to home school my children, and I miss writing.
Since my dad died I keep thinking the one thing I wanted to accomplish in his lifetime was to publish my book, so my goal is to go back to my manuscript, edit, rewrite, and hope and pray someone else wants to read and publish my work.
YES, I have six kids, a lot to do, endless other things I could be doing, but if there are days of grace, then there will be many in the future as I go back to working on my book.
There are traces of childhood that still float through me. I love sitting down an making something. When I was little I made lots of clothing for my dolls, now I make stuff for my home and the kids. The projects in my living room include a braided basket made of two old twin sheets, some mats, a braided rug, several RubyRumps cloth diapers, a wool diaper cover, and a baby gift for a friend who already had her baby over a month ago. My goals are running away with me, but usually I am better at finishing one project before starting another.
This is so symbolic of my life. I find myself running in circles through many tasks. Cooking ruts happen even with things like pinterest for new ideas. We eat different variations of the same things, but the other day I remembered it has been over a year since I may Indian food. For the kids it was a whole educational experience as I explained the food and how when I was in Bangladesh I got to eat with my hands. They all got a kick out of this.
So as my husband always asks, "What are you babbling about?" I am no sure what I am babbling about. I think my main point in the babble is to try in make sense of a direction when life starts to get jumbled as mine clearly has. I want a goal. Part of me insists it be beyond starting a business, cooking and cleaning, attempting to be super mommy, or even making sure I get my body back someday from the wear and tear of SIX babies!
Focus has not been my strong suit. I picked a liberal arts college so I would not have to limit myself and pick one thing. Is it even natural to define oneself by one thing? In my opinion it is not. So here is where I am at in finding a life goal. I want to be a stay at home mom, I may still want to home school my children, and I miss writing.
Since my dad died I keep thinking the one thing I wanted to accomplish in his lifetime was to publish my book, so my goal is to go back to my manuscript, edit, rewrite, and hope and pray someone else wants to read and publish my work.
YES, I have six kids, a lot to do, endless other things I could be doing, but if there are days of grace, then there will be many in the future as I go back to working on my book.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Memories, Keeping in Touch
Did you ever just wake up and feel like all of a sudden your friends of years have just slipped through the cracks? Sure we look at photos on Facebook, and send quick one line Happy Birthdays. Everyone is busy. I can find something to do every second of the day at this point and no that does not include glancing at a smart phone every five minutes. I am sure I would stare at that phone if I had one. I check my email around 2-3 times a day along with Facebook.
I think the more I delete junk mail and look at people's posts, I am still in touch with the world outside my house. I can have a day where I know what so many people are up to without having to put much energy in the friendships. Don't mind me for complaining. I love Facebook for keeping up with people who live far away, for relatives and friends in other countries. What I don't like is the fact that I used to take the time to remember birthdays and actually call people...I still call a short list. Most of my emails where actually letters, not advertisements. I never used to think that a coupon in my inbox was all that exciting, but now it is the better coupon email that I open instead of REAL emails. You have to write emails to get them...I tell myself. So I have decided to try and write more emails. Maybe my news is lame to me, but it could be quite interesting to people I barely speak to.
Am I going through some kind of 30 something crisis? Am I just a bored mom of 6? How can you put bored and mom of 6 in the same sentence? I am slowly seeing the world turn inward and forget about actual people, relationships, friendships. I am thankful I am married and not trying to date in such a cold world. Yes, there are old connections and friends of friends, but this is a day in the life of me...the phone almost never rings and when it does it is my mom, husband, or one of three friends who call me still and I call them. I get up, workout and take care of the family, it really is a full-time job. The house is never perfect at this point and laundry day is everyday. Cooking takes a few hours a meal if you include clean up. I get an hour or two to sew diapers, curl up on the couch and watch a show, or maybe eat lunch in quiet. Then the kids are up from nap. It is time to get dinner on the table, keep the kids from fighting nonstop, and bedtime takes a few hours. We are strict about sleep so I get a few hours with just my husband every evening too. And then it is the next day.
I don't know who my neighbors are really. I met one couple on my street and we have lived in our house seven months now. We are a bit out of place being a young family, but still. Summer hit and all the weekly meeting groups disappear, minus my woman's group that I really enjoy. (Often the only time I leave the house that whole week other than to grocery shop). I used to plan more...playdates and trips to the park, but with six kids leaving the house is work. It takes 30 minutes to get everyone ready and in the care. 4 of my kids need help with everything!
Even all that being said, I can still find time in the day to write this blog, stay in touch with people, have a five minute chat. I would still like to live in a world where those things matter and count. Feeling isolated seems to be part of motherhood, but has it gotten harder now that a glance at a page counts as staying in touch? I am interested to know what people think. Drop me a comment if you want.
I think the more I delete junk mail and look at people's posts, I am still in touch with the world outside my house. I can have a day where I know what so many people are up to without having to put much energy in the friendships. Don't mind me for complaining. I love Facebook for keeping up with people who live far away, for relatives and friends in other countries. What I don't like is the fact that I used to take the time to remember birthdays and actually call people...I still call a short list. Most of my emails where actually letters, not advertisements. I never used to think that a coupon in my inbox was all that exciting, but now it is the better coupon email that I open instead of REAL emails. You have to write emails to get them...I tell myself. So I have decided to try and write more emails. Maybe my news is lame to me, but it could be quite interesting to people I barely speak to.
Am I going through some kind of 30 something crisis? Am I just a bored mom of 6? How can you put bored and mom of 6 in the same sentence? I am slowly seeing the world turn inward and forget about actual people, relationships, friendships. I am thankful I am married and not trying to date in such a cold world. Yes, there are old connections and friends of friends, but this is a day in the life of me...the phone almost never rings and when it does it is my mom, husband, or one of three friends who call me still and I call them. I get up, workout and take care of the family, it really is a full-time job. The house is never perfect at this point and laundry day is everyday. Cooking takes a few hours a meal if you include clean up. I get an hour or two to sew diapers, curl up on the couch and watch a show, or maybe eat lunch in quiet. Then the kids are up from nap. It is time to get dinner on the table, keep the kids from fighting nonstop, and bedtime takes a few hours. We are strict about sleep so I get a few hours with just my husband every evening too. And then it is the next day.
I don't know who my neighbors are really. I met one couple on my street and we have lived in our house seven months now. We are a bit out of place being a young family, but still. Summer hit and all the weekly meeting groups disappear, minus my woman's group that I really enjoy. (Often the only time I leave the house that whole week other than to grocery shop). I used to plan more...playdates and trips to the park, but with six kids leaving the house is work. It takes 30 minutes to get everyone ready and in the care. 4 of my kids need help with everything!
Even all that being said, I can still find time in the day to write this blog, stay in touch with people, have a five minute chat. I would still like to live in a world where those things matter and count. Feeling isolated seems to be part of motherhood, but has it gotten harder now that a glance at a page counts as staying in touch? I am interested to know what people think. Drop me a comment if you want.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Back to Blogging
For anyone who has been following my blog, one might have noticed I have not written in a few months. With a death, a birth, and six kids to take care of my writing time has taken a back seat. I am hoping this will not continue to be the case. Miracle of today is that my 6 kids are all napping! Yes at the same time and YES my older kids too. We all nap in this house or we all end up cranky! I know I could give up. Most almost 8 year old children do not nap. Maybe I will tomorrow or the next day..the secret, my 8 year old loves his sleep.
So this with be a catch up post. Missing my dad is still a daily part of life. I cry most days over seeing a bird he would have identified for me, or driving past a place I used to go with him. I associate living in Port Townsend with my dad and it feels strange to live here without him. Both my parents love living here, but my dad had everything he loved right here...mountains, ocean, birds, closer to Asia...the list goes on. I feel like I have been left behind in a world that is beautiful, but not my own. As I look out the window at some beautiful trees, I think, yes it is nice here, but...is there somewhere out there that fits me as well as Port Townsend fit my dad? Most people don't get to figure that out until retirement, so we will wait and see.
The kids are adjusting to new baby well. Bria is the only one who is kind of missing her right to being the baby. Everyone loves the baby regardless. It is mommy and daddy at fault, not Isaiah. Joel is working a lot on math and reading this summer. I am trying to help him and we both get frustrated. He is starting to improve and I think a lot of our problems have nothing to do with what he does and does not know. Joel likes to learn when he feels like it. Ellie is the opposite. She is reading every book in sight and bossing around all the other kids. Dominic has hit the age where I am still looking for the sweet quiet boy. He has been replaced by a much more frustrated version of himself. Charis thinks her new bed is a jungle gym ...like at the park. Around 10 PM most night she had fallen out of bed. Bria will not eat anything red right now...sad with all the great raspberries, watermelon, and strawberries around. Isaiah is done with crying all the time and very interested in the world around him. Lots of sweet smiles these days.
RubyRumps is growing a bit. I am adding a one size cloth diaper option to the mix as well as putting my diapers in Sequim, WA at The Dungeness Kid's Company. We will start with just size N at the shop, but I can custom make other sizes. All the diapers will be AIO. If you want something else, check in with me on Etsy or Facebook. Also, I make swim diapers on request. Some friends of ours were nice enough to test these for me. I rarely go swimming with babies. :)
Tim is working at home, in Port Townsend, in Sequim/ PA, Seattle, and California. He is wearing several hats as daddy, teacher, loan officer, and much more. I do not know how he got through the last couple of months when everything was so crazy. New babies are a lot of work and add 5 other kids and lets just say we are busy all the time!
Hope to have some more thoughts soon.
So this with be a catch up post. Missing my dad is still a daily part of life. I cry most days over seeing a bird he would have identified for me, or driving past a place I used to go with him. I associate living in Port Townsend with my dad and it feels strange to live here without him. Both my parents love living here, but my dad had everything he loved right here...mountains, ocean, birds, closer to Asia...the list goes on. I feel like I have been left behind in a world that is beautiful, but not my own. As I look out the window at some beautiful trees, I think, yes it is nice here, but...is there somewhere out there that fits me as well as Port Townsend fit my dad? Most people don't get to figure that out until retirement, so we will wait and see.
The kids are adjusting to new baby well. Bria is the only one who is kind of missing her right to being the baby. Everyone loves the baby regardless. It is mommy and daddy at fault, not Isaiah. Joel is working a lot on math and reading this summer. I am trying to help him and we both get frustrated. He is starting to improve and I think a lot of our problems have nothing to do with what he does and does not know. Joel likes to learn when he feels like it. Ellie is the opposite. She is reading every book in sight and bossing around all the other kids. Dominic has hit the age where I am still looking for the sweet quiet boy. He has been replaced by a much more frustrated version of himself. Charis thinks her new bed is a jungle gym ...like at the park. Around 10 PM most night she had fallen out of bed. Bria will not eat anything red right now...sad with all the great raspberries, watermelon, and strawberries around. Isaiah is done with crying all the time and very interested in the world around him. Lots of sweet smiles these days.
RubyRumps is growing a bit. I am adding a one size cloth diaper option to the mix as well as putting my diapers in Sequim, WA at The Dungeness Kid's Company. We will start with just size N at the shop, but I can custom make other sizes. All the diapers will be AIO. If you want something else, check in with me on Etsy or Facebook. Also, I make swim diapers on request. Some friends of ours were nice enough to test these for me. I rarely go swimming with babies. :)
Tim is working at home, in Port Townsend, in Sequim/ PA, Seattle, and California. He is wearing several hats as daddy, teacher, loan officer, and much more. I do not know how he got through the last couple of months when everything was so crazy. New babies are a lot of work and add 5 other kids and lets just say we are busy all the time!
Hope to have some more thoughts soon.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Bear Claws
I used 1 1/2 cups of almond flour
2 TBSP water
1 egg white
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup sugar
2 TBSP melted butter
This filling also makes yummy flour free cookies.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Postpartum Dilema
So many things happen the weeks after the birth of a baby that one forgets how fast a month can be. I looked at my calender last Sunday and realized that Isaiah is already a month old and growing bigger by the moment. It is easy to forget how hard the first few weeks were when one is finally feeling human again.
Baby comes out and there is joy and mom has her body back. Unfortunately, mom's body is not quite what it used to be. There are weeks of healing and then months of working out to recover from carrying a baby. This does not include all the emotions and crazy moments, nor does it include weird things happening like crazy dry skin.
Once Isaiah was born I felt the best I have ever felt after a birth. My arms were strong, I could get in and out of bed with ease, and emotionally I was better than I expected to be considering that I was birthing and grieving at the same time. I enjoyed my first week of rest. There were great days where my husband brought me breakfast in bed, I barely left our room, and I got to sleep all the time. Anyone who knows me knows I struggle to stay in this state for very long.
I love to be working on projects and secretly enjoy cleaning my house. The noise of the children drives me nuts, but I love it. I began to feel restless without any energy. My husband was working around the clock and trying to keep up with household chores. I began chopping veggies at the kitchen table, still trying to rest by not standing up. Then I found myself wanting to load the dishwasher and wash dishes. It was too tempting to just through a load of laundry in the wash. When this starts to happen, mom realizes she is crazy. At least I did. I still needed to rest. I felt sore after loading the dishwasher. What was happening?
Um...postpartum. Nobody likes it, most of us erase it from our minds...but it really does exist. There is a time when everyone mom needs help and not every husband is able to be home for this. Work pressure for those on maternity leave increases, and work pressure for husbands taking time off work to help grows. I start to feel bad for not being my usual self. The US does not do this whole postpartum thing right.
After having six kids I now know from weeks 1-3 it would be nice to have an in house chef, someone to clean, and possibly childcare if there are other children to watch. Hiring help for these jobs could add up to a lot of cash. Plus, all I want is bonding time with my family, and I am sure I am not alone. Since hiring help for everything is not realistic for most people, one gets used to just getting by for a couple of weeks and then maybe going back to tasks sooner than one should. I guess I should be thankful I don't have to go back to picking crops in a field, but there is still something wrong.
If I could be a part of helping postpartum women I would love to help them figure out a meal plan for weeks 1-4 after birth, finding helpers for household needs, and just being there for the woman. I am thankful we hired a Doula who kind of goes above and beyond just the birth experience. She brought us a meal and offered to watch kids for us. Maybe a postpartum Doula is the answer? Family can help fill in the gaps, but let's face it, most family members have to work and America seems to be a country of little to no vacations and rests, so birth has kind have become something in the way of life instead of a joy that stops time for a little while.
Even after having six children I have not figured out postpartum...it is the one time people feel the most alone and neglected. Not usually the first week or two, but soon after that one is left alone to recover and rest, but lets face it...the time is just depressing. Even if one is not struggling majorly emotionally, emotions are bit harder to control. Life is overwhelming, and the pressure to heal fast is on. What have other people done in the postpartum time to make this stage more relaxing?
I am thankful for friends that reach out, cook meals, and understand how hard this stage is. I know I am not alone in thinking it would be nice to just not have to worry about what is going to happen after the baby is born...before I can take control again.
Baby comes out and there is joy and mom has her body back. Unfortunately, mom's body is not quite what it used to be. There are weeks of healing and then months of working out to recover from carrying a baby. This does not include all the emotions and crazy moments, nor does it include weird things happening like crazy dry skin.
Once Isaiah was born I felt the best I have ever felt after a birth. My arms were strong, I could get in and out of bed with ease, and emotionally I was better than I expected to be considering that I was birthing and grieving at the same time. I enjoyed my first week of rest. There were great days where my husband brought me breakfast in bed, I barely left our room, and I got to sleep all the time. Anyone who knows me knows I struggle to stay in this state for very long.
I love to be working on projects and secretly enjoy cleaning my house. The noise of the children drives me nuts, but I love it. I began to feel restless without any energy. My husband was working around the clock and trying to keep up with household chores. I began chopping veggies at the kitchen table, still trying to rest by not standing up. Then I found myself wanting to load the dishwasher and wash dishes. It was too tempting to just through a load of laundry in the wash. When this starts to happen, mom realizes she is crazy. At least I did. I still needed to rest. I felt sore after loading the dishwasher. What was happening?
Um...postpartum. Nobody likes it, most of us erase it from our minds...but it really does exist. There is a time when everyone mom needs help and not every husband is able to be home for this. Work pressure for those on maternity leave increases, and work pressure for husbands taking time off work to help grows. I start to feel bad for not being my usual self. The US does not do this whole postpartum thing right.
After having six kids I now know from weeks 1-3 it would be nice to have an in house chef, someone to clean, and possibly childcare if there are other children to watch. Hiring help for these jobs could add up to a lot of cash. Plus, all I want is bonding time with my family, and I am sure I am not alone. Since hiring help for everything is not realistic for most people, one gets used to just getting by for a couple of weeks and then maybe going back to tasks sooner than one should. I guess I should be thankful I don't have to go back to picking crops in a field, but there is still something wrong.
If I could be a part of helping postpartum women I would love to help them figure out a meal plan for weeks 1-4 after birth, finding helpers for household needs, and just being there for the woman. I am thankful we hired a Doula who kind of goes above and beyond just the birth experience. She brought us a meal and offered to watch kids for us. Maybe a postpartum Doula is the answer? Family can help fill in the gaps, but let's face it, most family members have to work and America seems to be a country of little to no vacations and rests, so birth has kind have become something in the way of life instead of a joy that stops time for a little while.
Even after having six children I have not figured out postpartum...it is the one time people feel the most alone and neglected. Not usually the first week or two, but soon after that one is left alone to recover and rest, but lets face it...the time is just depressing. Even if one is not struggling majorly emotionally, emotions are bit harder to control. Life is overwhelming, and the pressure to heal fast is on. What have other people done in the postpartum time to make this stage more relaxing?
I am thankful for friends that reach out, cook meals, and understand how hard this stage is. I know I am not alone in thinking it would be nice to just not have to worry about what is going to happen after the baby is born...before I can take control again.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Isaiah's Birth
This time I had to be humbled as I was sure labor would take off on a Thursday morning, but I did not end up having my baby until a just over a week later on a Friday night. It is hard to see everything prepared in my home for a birth that did not happen right away, but I am so glad it did not. By the time little Isaiah was ready to enter the world I had gone through a week of learning to relax, and so when I really was in active labor, I went through the simplest birth so far.
My Doula suggested I look into HypnoBirthing to try and relax. Then my midwife also recommended a pregnancy massage. This third trimester was hard on me. Missing my dad was making me sad about having a baby he would not meet. I wanted to see my baby, but I was distracted. It was time to try and catch up on full baby focused bonding.
My mom and I went shopping for the new little guy. I have not looked a newborn baby clothing much since baby number one. We have a lot of stuff, but it was nice to get some new things that could replace some super worn out sleepers and such. I still did not know what I was having so everything we bought was grey. I guess grey is the new baby neutral color? I could not find much in yellow and green.
Then I sat down and read about HypnoBirthing nonstop and listened to a cd everyday. This was great for crashing into my afternoon naps. I felt really relaxed and got a break from everything. I also went in for my pregnancy massage that worked super well with everything else. A week went by and I was a much more peaceful pregnant me. I have never been so at peace leading into a birth. My baby and I were finally bonding more and I was ready to meet him.
Birth day was like most days the past two weeks had brought me. Lots of contractions all morning. For me the test would be if they would continue into the afternoon. My husband was working from home and allowing me to have a restful day. I was taking a nap when things picked up. With the HypnoBirthing I was able to relax a lot through the early contractions. I was still not sure everything would continue so I waited. About and hour later I decided that things were picking up and let my Doula and Midwife know that later I would probably be calling them. My kids were napping and we wanted to stay in our normal schedule for as long as possible. Then things picked up more and around the end of nap time we got the kids out of the house. Super husband arranged and took care of everything.
As I was recovering from the chaos of kids getting ready to leave, my Midwife showed up and things could really get started. I have a custom birth pattern. If I really believed what the textbooks said I would never believe I was actually in labor. I have contractions in a pattern for earlier labor and then it seems like everything has stopped except for the fact that when I have the odd contraction it is insanely more painful, for a long time, even if there is something like thirty minutes between contractions. The contractions speed up, slow down, and end up all over the place. I even feel like nothing much is happening until all of a sudden my body wants to push and in a matter of minutes I am holding a baby! Birth is mysterious this way. How does to body know what to do so perfectly? We miss out when drugs are introduced because the pain is not really that bad if we let ourselves relax and let go of fear (I am still learning about this too).
During this birth I kept thinking the next contraction is going to be that one I feel all the pressure in my back and it will hurt so much. Then I told myself to relax into it and it hurt, but never as much as I thought it would. The last contraction I had before I was pushing felt like I still had hours to go. It took us all by surprise as my husband called the Midwife into the room and baby was out three minutes later.
God I am so thankful that birth does not have to be torture. I am thankful it is so beautiful. This time I feel empowered in a way I never have before. This birthing experience made no sense, but so much sense at the same time. Instincts are stronger than one gives them credit.
I know that part of the reason this birth was so much easier than the rest is because of all the preparation I put into the pregnancy in general. Pregnancy and birth do not just passively happen, one can actually take steps to a healthy result. I would say that working out using Lindsey Brin's prenatal workouts made me a strong version of me. I had no back pain this pregnancy after having a lot in the past. This lack of back pain translated into no back pain during contractions at all. I had much less pain during labor because of this. It was amazing. After having a baby I still felt strong. I could get in and out of bed without any pain and I still feel great. This does not mean I don't have to rest and recover, but it does mean I can more around with less effort than I have ever experienced in the past. I feel better than I did after my first baby!
Birth requires both physical and mental strength. Everything seems to end up connected during labor and birth. I broke out in tears in the middle of my labor because I was thinking about my dad and our many great trips to Seattle with him. I thought about the emptiness I was still struggling with and how much I wanted him to be here and a part of everything. Once I cried for a bit, my labor moved along very quickly.
I cannot say any part of my pregnancy this time has been a breeze emotionally, but I will say I got through it by the grace of God and staying healthy. I am so thankful for my Husband, Midwife, and Doula who have really helped me through this difficult stage in my life.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Birth and Humility
There are so many things that are tempting to speed up. One can microwave food and speed up a birth with drugs. We have cars, trains, and planes to get places quickly. It is not a surprise that trying to patient is a bit frustrating in a world where one hardly ever has to wait for anything.
I have given birth five times and I am waiting on baby number six. Not one birth story is identical to the others. Why am I expecting this birth to be any different. My latest experience with birth is having active labor set in and then stop. I felt like I got half way through to pushing out a baby and then nothing. My body is tired, like I went through the whole thing...it did take several hours before all the contractions slowed to a rapid halt.
Emotions are crazy during this. I have found myself begging God to make this birth end and asking for clarity as to why my body is not letting me have the baby. Sometimes we just need a break. I am tired, so I need to view this time as a great time to rest. I was not thrilled with how some things went yesterday, so now I get a second try and I get to explain what was not going well for me.
Then there is grief. Yet another event is happening and my dad is still dead. There is no light way to say it...he will not be here to meet new baby and it stinks! Why couldn't he have waited a bit longer? I know, death is not a choice, but it is hard to think it would have only been a couple more months. My greatest memory of the last birth is my dad rushing to pick up all the kids as I am delivering Bria. I keep thinking I will here his voice in the house when I have this one and it is so painful to think I won't.
Having babies is a complicated process. Did you know you could stop your own labor with emotions? We forget that start and stop labor is common. I have heard all these stories about it and a lot of the time there is an emotional reason as to why the labor will not progress. Sometimes the body needs a break. Maybe baby needs need to move into a better position.
I think in my case it is all. When I feel rushed, I feel like my labor slows down. I also think grief is playing a role in the way my birth this time is playing out. Then the baby's head is down, but sometimes I am still feeling it hit one side.
Now it is time to relax and enjoy the fact that I get a break for contractions for now. I get to sleep without pain every few minutes. Best of all, no one is waking me up in the middle of the night yet.
My baby will come at the right time. I am saying this mostly for me. It is a humbling experience to remember that each birth is a mystery. One does not know when it will happen and how it will be. All I know is it will be a blessing to see what happens next.
I have given birth five times and I am waiting on baby number six. Not one birth story is identical to the others. Why am I expecting this birth to be any different. My latest experience with birth is having active labor set in and then stop. I felt like I got half way through to pushing out a baby and then nothing. My body is tired, like I went through the whole thing...it did take several hours before all the contractions slowed to a rapid halt.
Emotions are crazy during this. I have found myself begging God to make this birth end and asking for clarity as to why my body is not letting me have the baby. Sometimes we just need a break. I am tired, so I need to view this time as a great time to rest. I was not thrilled with how some things went yesterday, so now I get a second try and I get to explain what was not going well for me.
Then there is grief. Yet another event is happening and my dad is still dead. There is no light way to say it...he will not be here to meet new baby and it stinks! Why couldn't he have waited a bit longer? I know, death is not a choice, but it is hard to think it would have only been a couple more months. My greatest memory of the last birth is my dad rushing to pick up all the kids as I am delivering Bria. I keep thinking I will here his voice in the house when I have this one and it is so painful to think I won't.
Having babies is a complicated process. Did you know you could stop your own labor with emotions? We forget that start and stop labor is common. I have heard all these stories about it and a lot of the time there is an emotional reason as to why the labor will not progress. Sometimes the body needs a break. Maybe baby needs need to move into a better position.
I think in my case it is all. When I feel rushed, I feel like my labor slows down. I also think grief is playing a role in the way my birth this time is playing out. Then the baby's head is down, but sometimes I am still feeling it hit one side.
Now it is time to relax and enjoy the fact that I get a break for contractions for now. I get to sleep without pain every few minutes. Best of all, no one is waking me up in the middle of the night yet.
My baby will come at the right time. I am saying this mostly for me. It is a humbling experience to remember that each birth is a mystery. One does not know when it will happen and how it will be. All I know is it will be a blessing to see what happens next.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Preparing for Baby
This is the first time in my life I have not been all consumed with getting ready for baby. I feel good about knowing I organized the baby clothing before we moved and I have the newborn cloth diapers in the house now, but really this is very calm for me. I do start to want to get some of this stuff ready in the middle of the night, but I am tired enough to let that go. Am I a ticking clock ready for birth or not at this point?
My belly is nice and low. It is a sad sight to see me in public at this point. Some stomach is hanging out of my clothing. I cannot button my winter jacket. My pants are always falling of my hips and the bump pushes them down and I almost cried yesterday when I realized that the coffee drive through that had my kids favorite cookies was not taking credit cards and I did not have cash. Why did I cry? I was wearing sweats that barely stay on and my shirt was way too short and I had to walk into a store like this. Just a week ago the same lady working is the store had asked me if I was due like tomorrow. Now I am getting closer the 36 weeks, that makes sense. I usually have my babies early and I tend to run out of room faster than the perfect super model pregnant woman who is closer to 6 ft. tall instead of 4'11.
I had a dream the other night that a friend of mine got a quick shot and then she was holding her baby five seconds later. I got mad at her for using drugs and she got mad at me because her baby was fine. So I was not giving birth and here was this woman who gave birth in five seconds. My body must be trying to tell me something, right? One starts to have birth dreams closer to birthing time. I know I do.
All I know is that I feel ready for the baby and then I think, how bad would it be to wait four more weeks? My clothing may not fit much longer, most of it doesn't. The belly just gets bigger and bigger at this point. Emotions are less under control. Um...maybe 37 or 38 weeks would not be bad. We'll just have to wait and see.
My belly is nice and low. It is a sad sight to see me in public at this point. Some stomach is hanging out of my clothing. I cannot button my winter jacket. My pants are always falling of my hips and the bump pushes them down and I almost cried yesterday when I realized that the coffee drive through that had my kids favorite cookies was not taking credit cards and I did not have cash. Why did I cry? I was wearing sweats that barely stay on and my shirt was way too short and I had to walk into a store like this. Just a week ago the same lady working is the store had asked me if I was due like tomorrow. Now I am getting closer the 36 weeks, that makes sense. I usually have my babies early and I tend to run out of room faster than the perfect super model pregnant woman who is closer to 6 ft. tall instead of 4'11.
I had a dream the other night that a friend of mine got a quick shot and then she was holding her baby five seconds later. I got mad at her for using drugs and she got mad at me because her baby was fine. So I was not giving birth and here was this woman who gave birth in five seconds. My body must be trying to tell me something, right? One starts to have birth dreams closer to birthing time. I know I do.
All I know is that I feel ready for the baby and then I think, how bad would it be to wait four more weeks? My clothing may not fit much longer, most of it doesn't. The belly just gets bigger and bigger at this point. Emotions are less under control. Um...maybe 37 or 38 weeks would not be bad. We'll just have to wait and see.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Almost 34 weeks and Grieving
I did not expect to have much new information on pregnancy after spending all of my last pregnancy blogging about baby #5 only, but sometimes one needs to expect to unexpected. I thought it might be helpful for me and for others to write about grieving while pregnant.
This pregnancy I have challenged myself to be as healthy as possible and workout five times a week. I have focused on a diet that includes plenty of protein and lots of greens along with the proper vitamins to make a great healthy baby, but I did not think I was going to suffer from grief a couple of months away from delivering my little one.
Now I am struck by a crazy form of nesting. Instead of looking forward to folding up little baby clothes in a dresser and making as much baby stuff as I can before I see my baby, I spend most of the day with a tape of my father and all my memories playing in my head. I think about how much time he spent with my other children. Then I imagine his voice because I never want to forget what it sounded like.
After hours of this I get a burst of energy out of nowhere to clean bathrooms, mop floors, unpack boxes (since we just moved into a new home two days before I found out my dad passed away two weeks ago). Then I start to imagine the tasks I want to do for the baby. I ordered my birth kit to make sure I don't forget later.
My husband reminds me how exciting it will be to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I keep trying to eat more greens, to eat at all. Most food was not that great one week after finding out a loved one is gone and now I can taste again, but barely feel like eating. I promised my baby the day I found out about my dad that I would keep feeding him or her.
So many birth plans have changed. My dad was going to take some of the kids, my mom the rest. We had help and now I am praying for my much desired middle of the night birth where my kids sleep through it all and we get to show them a baby in the morning. If this does not work my mom will be upstairs with the kids. For some reason I feel at peace about the birth because I know God is in control. In the past I have worried much more.
I often have gotten carried away with wanting to buy things for the baby, but I have been too distracted to think about that, plus we don't really need new things. Instead of wanting new things, I think about how my dad will not get to meet this baby and how he was in our house putting all the kids in the van the moment Bria arrived. It feels very unfair.
My fear is that I will still be really sad as I care for this new life. I know I will be happy to hold my baby, I just wish it could arrive with lots more joy. I am thankful for the child I am carrying though and it is true, God seems to bring new babies where there is loss. I just pray that baby will now how much we love him or her despite how hard these last few months have been.
If anyone else has been grieving while pregnant, I would love to hear how you got through it. Please share if you feel up to it.
This pregnancy I have challenged myself to be as healthy as possible and workout five times a week. I have focused on a diet that includes plenty of protein and lots of greens along with the proper vitamins to make a great healthy baby, but I did not think I was going to suffer from grief a couple of months away from delivering my little one.
Now I am struck by a crazy form of nesting. Instead of looking forward to folding up little baby clothes in a dresser and making as much baby stuff as I can before I see my baby, I spend most of the day with a tape of my father and all my memories playing in my head. I think about how much time he spent with my other children. Then I imagine his voice because I never want to forget what it sounded like.
After hours of this I get a burst of energy out of nowhere to clean bathrooms, mop floors, unpack boxes (since we just moved into a new home two days before I found out my dad passed away two weeks ago). Then I start to imagine the tasks I want to do for the baby. I ordered my birth kit to make sure I don't forget later.
My husband reminds me how exciting it will be to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I keep trying to eat more greens, to eat at all. Most food was not that great one week after finding out a loved one is gone and now I can taste again, but barely feel like eating. I promised my baby the day I found out about my dad that I would keep feeding him or her.
So many birth plans have changed. My dad was going to take some of the kids, my mom the rest. We had help and now I am praying for my much desired middle of the night birth where my kids sleep through it all and we get to show them a baby in the morning. If this does not work my mom will be upstairs with the kids. For some reason I feel at peace about the birth because I know God is in control. In the past I have worried much more.
I often have gotten carried away with wanting to buy things for the baby, but I have been too distracted to think about that, plus we don't really need new things. Instead of wanting new things, I think about how my dad will not get to meet this baby and how he was in our house putting all the kids in the van the moment Bria arrived. It feels very unfair.
My fear is that I will still be really sad as I care for this new life. I know I will be happy to hold my baby, I just wish it could arrive with lots more joy. I am thankful for the child I am carrying though and it is true, God seems to bring new babies where there is loss. I just pray that baby will now how much we love him or her despite how hard these last few months have been.
If anyone else has been grieving while pregnant, I would love to hear how you got through it. Please share if you feel up to it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Memories of My Dad
My Dad was always the strongest person I knew. From my youngest childhood memories we were trekking in Nepal when I was only two and my brother was an infant. Then when I was around seven years old, I remember people cautioning my dad to tie my brother and I to a rope as we climbed up this challenging mountain in Switzerland. Sam and I were mostly focused on getting to the bottom for ice cream and playing giant chess (a chess board we could see from the mountain). Then there was the canoe trip where people had died the week before. I remember feeling so relieved when we got the the portage at Thunderhouse fall alone. Everything we did had to be interesting and a challenge. My dad wanted to be unique and he was.
Not everything was an adventure. My dad also tried to balance out this side of him with a few “normal” activities. Every year my elementary school had a father daughter square dance and my dad and I would attend it. He really was not much of a dancer, so it meant a lot to me that he was even willing to go.
My brother and I would play chess and other board games in the living room when my dad was home. I also would dance around the living room for my dad as he listened to classical music and payed the bills.
In my more recent memories, I remember my dad dropping me off at Whitman college and for the first time in my life, I knew nothing would be the same. It was strange to go back to my dorm room alone. He had handed me some form of adulthood.
Before my dad died I wanted to give him two things: Grandchildren and proof that I would do something great with my college degree. I am glad he got to enjoy his grandchildren. He taught my oldest three kids to ride bikes. We started a Christmas tradition of cutting down our tree, something that motivated my dad to be more involved at Christmas time. He also introduced the kids to camping, sailing, and his love for hiking on beaches and in the mountains.
Dad, I wish you were going to be be here to see what comes next. I have not forgotten my degree and still hope to publish a book someday. When I do, it will be dedicated to you.
Thank you for the many joyful memories, we will miss you. Know you were loved by all of us.
Not everything was an adventure. My dad also tried to balance out this side of him with a few “normal” activities. Every year my elementary school had a father daughter square dance and my dad and I would attend it. He really was not much of a dancer, so it meant a lot to me that he was even willing to go.
My brother and I would play chess and other board games in the living room when my dad was home. I also would dance around the living room for my dad as he listened to classical music and payed the bills.
In my more recent memories, I remember my dad dropping me off at Whitman college and for the first time in my life, I knew nothing would be the same. It was strange to go back to my dorm room alone. He had handed me some form of adulthood.
Before my dad died I wanted to give him two things: Grandchildren and proof that I would do something great with my college degree. I am glad he got to enjoy his grandchildren. He taught my oldest three kids to ride bikes. We started a Christmas tradition of cutting down our tree, something that motivated my dad to be more involved at Christmas time. He also introduced the kids to camping, sailing, and his love for hiking on beaches and in the mountains.
Dad, I wish you were going to be be here to see what comes next. I have not forgotten my degree and still hope to publish a book someday. When I do, it will be dedicated to you.
Thank you for the many joyful memories, we will miss you. Know you were loved by all of us.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Me: Grief
I lost my father this week. It may have been a couple of weeks ago, we do not know the time of death. What we do know is that it was sudden and a shock to all of us. My dad was the strongest person I knew, racing up mountains even just two months ago. He never wanted to stop doing all the outdoor activities he loved so much. It is so hard to believe that someone who could have been trekking in Nepal a few months ago is just gone.
Things were not perfect with him. We all have regrets when someone dies, but I missed out of seeing him one last time because of a play date. I know there is no way I could have known that this would have been the last time I could have seen him, but it still hurts.
As a family we were frustrated with my dad because of some poor decisions. He had isolated himself from us all and was living alone. None of us knew he had passed away, we all just thought he was avoiding us. Then when it have been kind of long for him to not talk to anyone my brother checked on him and found him dead.
Maybe we could have helped him if he had not been living alone, or maybe this would have happened anyway. We will never have the answer to this question. He died of internal bleeding due to a complication with his blood thinners. I just wish we could have been the family we once were before he died. We did have enough time to work through some family conflicts.
Now I hear his voice in my head. I miss hearing it. I cannot bear to think that he will not be around to see my new baby due in April, or go bike riding with my kids (something he was doing every week).
I have gone through good memories, bad ones, and everything in between, but I still cannot believe he is really gone. It feels like a bad dream making arrangements for a memorial service and looking at all of his things. He will not go sailing again, his kayaks are sitting waiting for him, but he is gone.
Dad, I miss you. I loved you so much. You were a great father who provided well for his family. I am thankful I had you in my life.
Things were not perfect with him. We all have regrets when someone dies, but I missed out of seeing him one last time because of a play date. I know there is no way I could have known that this would have been the last time I could have seen him, but it still hurts.
As a family we were frustrated with my dad because of some poor decisions. He had isolated himself from us all and was living alone. None of us knew he had passed away, we all just thought he was avoiding us. Then when it have been kind of long for him to not talk to anyone my brother checked on him and found him dead.
Maybe we could have helped him if he had not been living alone, or maybe this would have happened anyway. We will never have the answer to this question. He died of internal bleeding due to a complication with his blood thinners. I just wish we could have been the family we once were before he died. We did have enough time to work through some family conflicts.
Now I hear his voice in my head. I miss hearing it. I cannot bear to think that he will not be around to see my new baby due in April, or go bike riding with my kids (something he was doing every week).
I have gone through good memories, bad ones, and everything in between, but I still cannot believe he is really gone. It feels like a bad dream making arrangements for a memorial service and looking at all of his things. He will not go sailing again, his kayaks are sitting waiting for him, but he is gone.
Dad, I miss you. I loved you so much. You were a great father who provided well for his family. I am thankful I had you in my life.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Me: Third Trimester
As the third trimester of baby number 6 approaches, I have been lacking in energy and motivation to write. I hope to get this back soon. I guess I could add the January has been our hard month for my family due to a loss in the family on my husband's side and some disputes with other family members. It only takes a few things to be completely distracted.
I have spent more time in the kitchen since out Holiday rush ended. There have been some cookies and even cupcakes made. I had to use my new cake decorating set, so I learned how to make French macaroons for Christmas and could not wait to ice cupcakes without a knife! I agree, it is difficult to make perfect macaroons on the first try, but they still had a melt in your mouth quality that made it worth it. And to use a little less sugar, we filled ours with almond butter and a tiny bit of powdered sugar.
Projects have begun again as I decided to make my first braided rug in honor of Tim's great grandmother, who we lost a few weeks ago. She was a really special woman and I wish I could have known her better. One of her favorite hobbies was making braided rugs, so as I make ours, I feel like I am getting to know a part of her.
The kids are growing up much more. Bria's wobbly walk is now a dash to toys she wants to play with. Charis is talking much more. Dominic is a three and half year old and letting us know it, sweetly and not so sweetly. Ellie and Joel are loving school and missed it a lot when they were home for Christmas break.
My bump went from small to giant in one month. What happened, I am not sure. Guess the baby just got more comfortable in there. Now I am crashing into things a lot more and I have to make sure I don't do too much to make my back hurt. However, working out is one of the best ways to keep the back working great. I love prenatal yoga and do no know how I made it through three pregnancies without it. Today I thought I would not have the back strength to get the kids in bed, and I did yoga and suddenly I feel much better. It is wonderful.
One of my goals for the new year was to clean places in the house I like to forget about. The tops of the kitchen cabinets are done, I through out rag clothing and saved what I could to make the braided rug, I am working on figuring out a new filing system for all our household documents, and the garage should be soon. I am a bit afraid of the garage since there is so much clutter. It feels good to finally let go of things.
So I guess this is more of an update than a heartfelt post. Maybe it can double as the Christmas letter we never got around to writing or sending.
I have spent more time in the kitchen since out Holiday rush ended. There have been some cookies and even cupcakes made. I had to use my new cake decorating set, so I learned how to make French macaroons for Christmas and could not wait to ice cupcakes without a knife! I agree, it is difficult to make perfect macaroons on the first try, but they still had a melt in your mouth quality that made it worth it. And to use a little less sugar, we filled ours with almond butter and a tiny bit of powdered sugar.
Projects have begun again as I decided to make my first braided rug in honor of Tim's great grandmother, who we lost a few weeks ago. She was a really special woman and I wish I could have known her better. One of her favorite hobbies was making braided rugs, so as I make ours, I feel like I am getting to know a part of her.
The kids are growing up much more. Bria's wobbly walk is now a dash to toys she wants to play with. Charis is talking much more. Dominic is a three and half year old and letting us know it, sweetly and not so sweetly. Ellie and Joel are loving school and missed it a lot when they were home for Christmas break.
My bump went from small to giant in one month. What happened, I am not sure. Guess the baby just got more comfortable in there. Now I am crashing into things a lot more and I have to make sure I don't do too much to make my back hurt. However, working out is one of the best ways to keep the back working great. I love prenatal yoga and do no know how I made it through three pregnancies without it. Today I thought I would not have the back strength to get the kids in bed, and I did yoga and suddenly I feel much better. It is wonderful.
One of my goals for the new year was to clean places in the house I like to forget about. The tops of the kitchen cabinets are done, I through out rag clothing and saved what I could to make the braided rug, I am working on figuring out a new filing system for all our household documents, and the garage should be soon. I am a bit afraid of the garage since there is so much clutter. It feels good to finally let go of things.
So I guess this is more of an update than a heartfelt post. Maybe it can double as the Christmas letter we never got around to writing or sending.
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