You know you have hit a wall when you start to realize that a few hours a sleep a night is no longer going to leave you with that sweet refreshing feeling in the morning. I do not even have a baby that cries all night long, or even fusses much. All I have to do is pick her up, feed her, and maybe change her. She is happy. The light at 3 am does not make me happy, nor am I thrilled to get one hour of sleep and the wake up to feed the baby, but at least we have a routine and I am thankful things are fairly predictable.
Puffy eyes are just part of the deal. I am looking forward to saying 'hello' to my contact lenses again someday. Maybe it is just me, but wearing glasses makes me feel like I am walking around half asleep all day long. Naps are not an option most days and the few days I have taken one I think back to the good old first baby days. I used to think I was tired then with naps all throughout the day. Maybe I never got anything done, but I was much better rested.
What tends to happen after the lack of sleep are the blues. I would not consider it depression, but I will say my upbeat self is hiding just a little bit. It did not help that it was dark and gray all of last week either. It is difficult to get the energy up enough to want to venture out into town with four kids at home. I did it plenty of times last year, so I know it is possible, it just takes a little bit of planning.
Some fun ways I am trying to enjoy this slightly challenging time include, changing the fragrance of my hand soap. With all the diaper changes, I wash my hands all the time. Having a soap with a fun scent makes me happy somehow. When it is dark I try and light a candle well out of reach from all my kids hands. Making sure I have some alone time is also important. In a small house one never really has complete quiet, but it nice to drive to the store without the radio or any kids when my husband is home to watch everyone. I also try to knit when I can. It is really relaxing.
The greatest thing I have allowed myself to do is get some jeans that fit. After trying desperately to fit into my old jeans because I am so sick of sweatpants, I took a mommy day to find new jeans with just my mom and Bria. It was nice, even though I struggle with feeling guilty for wanting something for myself (even just the time alone can make me feel bad), it was really refreshing to remember that I am still a person. Sure I could wear my maternity jeans, or continue to wish I have already lost ten pounds, but in reality, sometimes it is just nice to get up and get dressed without worrying if anything will even fit.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
The Oxymoron: Wife, Mother, Working Woman
Have you ever sat and thought through the circular argument of feminism? I have spend hours trying to figure out what it actually means to be a true feminist. Women's rights are obviously important to me because I am a woman. Being a great family woman is also important to me. I like the fact that someday I could go to work, or if I had not been married straight out of college I would have work options. Even though I did not vote for president the first year I was old enough to vote, I still value the fact that women are allowed to vote. It is nice to know women are not just property. These are things I am glad I do not have to fight for. So what is the problem?
Super woman does not really exist. How can one person really care for a house, cook many meals a day, clean, wash clothing, raise children, and be fully committed to a job and career. I used to daydream of the day I would buy my first suit and really dress like a professional woman. Little did I know that day might not ever come.
I would pretend I was sitting at a desk as a secretary. Then a few minutes into my game I would be holding my four favorite dolls and being the best mommy I could be. There was no question in my mind as to whether or not I wanted to have kids, I always knew I did. What I was not so sure about was having a career. My mom stayed home to raise us and I am still thankful for that today. She had a career before she was my mom, but mom having a job was not really modeled to me growing up. I saw other people's kids whose parents worked when I was working at a daycare. It was hard for me to watch mothers say 'goodbye' to their eighteen month old children. I think watching this made me secretly decide that would never be me.
When my son was on the way my mind was made up, I would not be working. I am blessed to have a husband who did not expect me to be a working mother even though his mother did work most of his childhood. There have been times when we have not had much money and I wanted to make that aspect of life better by getting a job. I must say, the more kids we have, that crazier that would be. Imagine daycare rates for four kids. That is what we would have to pay now. Only one of my kids is school age and he is not currently in public school.
So is it socially acceptable to say, I will always have my brain, but having a family needs to take place sooner rather than later? Yes, money is a factor. My husband and I still have no idea what it would be like to live off of two incomes. I think that is a blessing in some ways because our budget has always included kids. I stress about money all the time...I wish I could say I don't and my faith in finances is amazing, but I must say I have been weak in this area.
Yes, we do not own a house and figuring out a career has been a journey along with having kids, but that is not the end of the world. I do not feel like I have left my female responsibility at the door to be a mom. I have learned how to be a less selfish human being because of my children. They have taught me to be responsible and forced me to grow in ways I would never have grown without them.
This last Christmas I remember thinking, I finally feel like a adult this year. It was the first time I did not have a Christmas stocking and everything we did was for our kids. I forced myself to decorate even though I felt tired adjusting to having a new baby. We ended up involving the kids more because I could not do everything on my own this year. So maybe our tree did not look good enough to be a picture in a catalog, but my kids could look at it and remember that they helped make it look so festive. Letting go of some control is good. My kids have taught me how to have fun in life's many imperfections.
So does being a feminist have to mean no men, no kids, no life outside of career? An even less extreme perspective is I am a working woman before a mother, or I cannot define myself without a career. I struggle with this situation, mainly how to define myself since 'just' a mother does not sound good enough even though it is the hardest job out there in my opinion. Depending on who I am around, I feel great about being the mommy I am, or I feel like I wish I was wearing a smart looking suit and changing the world. The secret is, there would be no world changers without mothers and mother figures. Um...the circle continues.
Super woman does not really exist. How can one person really care for a house, cook many meals a day, clean, wash clothing, raise children, and be fully committed to a job and career. I used to daydream of the day I would buy my first suit and really dress like a professional woman. Little did I know that day might not ever come.
I would pretend I was sitting at a desk as a secretary. Then a few minutes into my game I would be holding my four favorite dolls and being the best mommy I could be. There was no question in my mind as to whether or not I wanted to have kids, I always knew I did. What I was not so sure about was having a career. My mom stayed home to raise us and I am still thankful for that today. She had a career before she was my mom, but mom having a job was not really modeled to me growing up. I saw other people's kids whose parents worked when I was working at a daycare. It was hard for me to watch mothers say 'goodbye' to their eighteen month old children. I think watching this made me secretly decide that would never be me.
When my son was on the way my mind was made up, I would not be working. I am blessed to have a husband who did not expect me to be a working mother even though his mother did work most of his childhood. There have been times when we have not had much money and I wanted to make that aspect of life better by getting a job. I must say, the more kids we have, that crazier that would be. Imagine daycare rates for four kids. That is what we would have to pay now. Only one of my kids is school age and he is not currently in public school.
So is it socially acceptable to say, I will always have my brain, but having a family needs to take place sooner rather than later? Yes, money is a factor. My husband and I still have no idea what it would be like to live off of two incomes. I think that is a blessing in some ways because our budget has always included kids. I stress about money all the time...I wish I could say I don't and my faith in finances is amazing, but I must say I have been weak in this area.
Yes, we do not own a house and figuring out a career has been a journey along with having kids, but that is not the end of the world. I do not feel like I have left my female responsibility at the door to be a mom. I have learned how to be a less selfish human being because of my children. They have taught me to be responsible and forced me to grow in ways I would never have grown without them.
This last Christmas I remember thinking, I finally feel like a adult this year. It was the first time I did not have a Christmas stocking and everything we did was for our kids. I forced myself to decorate even though I felt tired adjusting to having a new baby. We ended up involving the kids more because I could not do everything on my own this year. So maybe our tree did not look good enough to be a picture in a catalog, but my kids could look at it and remember that they helped make it look so festive. Letting go of some control is good. My kids have taught me how to have fun in life's many imperfections.
So does being a feminist have to mean no men, no kids, no life outside of career? An even less extreme perspective is I am a working woman before a mother, or I cannot define myself without a career. I struggle with this situation, mainly how to define myself since 'just' a mother does not sound good enough even though it is the hardest job out there in my opinion. Depending on who I am around, I feel great about being the mommy I am, or I feel like I wish I was wearing a smart looking suit and changing the world. The secret is, there would be no world changers without mothers and mother figures. Um...the circle continues.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Community: New Mommy Isolation
One day's worth of laundry (3 loads)Why is it so difficult to feel connected to the world with a new baby? Sure there are great moments like baby showers and tasty meals from friends, but when that is over being a new mommy can be quite lonely. I am the kind of person that has become a homebody by force. It used to be difficult to get me to stay at home and I enjoyed going to school, even when I was sick, just to see my friends (do not recommend going to school sick now). Unfortunately, the weeks leading to the birth and the first few months after getting back to 'real' life are daunting.
With my first child I could not wait to show off my beautiful baby, so I will admit, I was walking around the block with him the day after I got home from the hospital. Maybe the post preggo days have only become harder with baby number 3 and on. Now I cannot keep up with my family some days. Weeks blend together and I still have not made time to make important phone calls. I am home all day, but I am busy.
My house is a mess and some weeks I think it does not really matter since I will not be having anyone over anytime soon. This does not work for long. Even if I have not had friends over in weeks, I start to get depressed swallowed up in a mess. When lots of laundry is scattered around the house and dishes from breakfast are not cleaned by dinner, it is time to get to work. Clearing my house also clears my mind. Then I start to think about inviting people over and remember that I miss having and seeing my friends.
Play dates for my kids were how I made it through the week when I only had two little ones. I had enough down time to have people over and take naps in the afternoons. Now I feel like I long to have people over, but it is hard to have a decent conversation with five kids to care for. Even a simple phone call consists of many, "can you wait a second," or "sorry I have to go, somebody just crashed into the wall," moments. I have to admit I miss being a person. I miss being me.
These days I am Joel, Ellianna, Dominic, Charis, and Bria's Mom. When I am not her I am Tim's wife, but he has his fair share of being know as Dad and my husband. I caught myself ballet dancing in my living room the other day and missing it. I used to dance everyday, even if I did not have a class. A couple days ago I went running for the first time in months. It was so freeing, but a little strange. When I start to think about who I am, it is impossible to imagine a world where I am not a mom or a wife. I love these roles. They are so important.
So as I start to feel lonely, I realize having a family makes it impossible to actually be alone. Maybe it is time for me to start hosting again. I have found time to enjoying baking and I love sitting with a friend while enjoying a cup of tea. Who would not want to taste the cake I made yesterday?
Lemon Pound Cake
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