Preparing for Baby

This is the first time in my life I have not been all consumed with getting ready for baby.  I feel good about knowing I organized the baby clothing before we moved and I have the newborn cloth diapers in the house now, but really this is very calm for me.  I do start to want to get some of this stuff ready in the middle of the night, but I am tired enough to let that go.  Am I a ticking clock ready for birth or not at this point?

My belly is nice and low.  It is a sad sight to see me in public at this point.  Some stomach is hanging out of my clothing.  I cannot button my winter jacket.  My pants are always falling of my hips and the bump pushes them down and I almost cried yesterday when I realized that the coffee drive through that had my kids favorite cookies was not taking credit cards and I did not have cash.  Why did I cry?  I was wearing sweats that barely stay on and my shirt was way too short and I had to walk into a store like this.  Just a week ago the same lady working is the store had asked me if I was due like tomorrow.  Now I am getting closer the 36 weeks, that makes sense.  I usually have my babies early and I tend to run out of room faster than the perfect super model pregnant woman who is closer to 6 ft. tall instead of 4'11. 

I had a dream the other night that a friend of mine got a quick shot and then she was holding her baby five seconds later.  I got mad at her for using drugs and she got mad at me because her baby was fine.  So I was not giving birth and here was this woman who gave birth in five seconds.  My body must be trying to tell me something, right?  One starts to have birth dreams closer to birthing time.  I know I do. 

All I know is that I feel ready for the baby and then I think, how bad would it be to wait four more weeks?  My clothing may not fit much longer, most of it doesn't.  The belly just gets bigger and bigger at this point.  Emotions are less under control.  Um...maybe 37 or 38 weeks would not be bad.  We'll just have to wait and see.

Almost 34 weeks and Grieving

I did not expect to have much new information on pregnancy after spending all of my last pregnancy blogging about baby #5 only, but sometimes one needs to expect to unexpected.  I thought it might be helpful for me and for others to write about grieving while pregnant.

This pregnancy I have challenged myself to be as healthy as possible and workout five times a week.  I have focused on a diet that includes plenty of protein and lots of greens along with the proper vitamins to make a great healthy baby, but I did not think I was going to suffer from grief a couple of months away from delivering my little one.

Now I am struck by a crazy form of nesting.  Instead of looking forward to folding up little baby clothes in a dresser and making as much baby stuff as I can before I see my baby, I spend most of the day with a tape of my father and all my memories playing in my head.  I think about how much time he spent with my other children.  Then I imagine his voice because I never want to forget what it sounded like. 

After hours of this I get a burst of energy out of nowhere to clean bathrooms, mop floors, unpack boxes (since we just moved into a new home two days before I found out my dad passed away two weeks ago).  Then I start to imagine the tasks I want to do for the baby.  I ordered my birth kit to make sure I don't forget later. 

My husband reminds me how exciting it will be to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.   I keep trying to eat more greens, to eat at all.  Most food was not that great one week after finding out a loved one is gone and now I can taste again, but barely feel like eating.  I promised my baby the day I found out about my dad that I would keep feeding him or her. 

So many birth plans have changed.  My dad was going to take some of the kids, my mom the rest.  We had help and now I am praying for my much desired middle of the night birth where my kids sleep through it all and we get to show them a baby in the morning.  If this does not work my mom will be upstairs with the kids.  For some reason I feel at peace about the birth because I know God is in control.  In the past I have worried much more.

I often have gotten carried away with wanting to buy things for the baby, but I have been too distracted to think about that, plus we don't really need new things.  Instead of wanting new things, I think about how my dad will not get to meet this baby and how he was in our house putting all the kids in the van the moment Bria arrived.  It feels very unfair. 

My fear is that I will still be really sad as I care for this new life.  I know I will be happy to hold my baby, I just wish it could arrive with lots more joy.  I am thankful for the child I am carrying though and it is true, God seems to bring new babies where there is loss.  I just pray that baby will now how much we love him or her despite how hard these last few months have been.

If anyone else has been grieving while pregnant, I would love to hear how you got through it.  Please share if you feel up to it. 

Memories of My Dad

My Dad  was always the strongest person I knew.  From my youngest childhood memories we were trekking in Nepal when I was only two and my brother was an infant.  Then when I was around seven years old, I remember people cautioning my dad to tie my brother and I to a rope as we climbed up this challenging mountain in Switzerland.  Sam and I were mostly focused on getting to the bottom for ice cream and playing giant chess (a chess board we could see from the mountain).  Then there was the canoe trip where people had died the week before.  I  remember feeling so relieved when we got the the portage at Thunderhouse fall alone.  Everything we did had to be interesting and a challenge.  My dad wanted to be unique and he was.

Not everything was an adventure.  My dad also tried to balance out this side of him with a few “normal” activities.  Every year my elementary school had a father daughter square dance and my dad and I would attend it.  He really was not much of a dancer, so it meant a lot to me that he was even willing to go. 

My brother and I would play chess and other board games in the living room when my dad was home.  I also would dance around the living room for my dad as he listened to classical music and payed the bills. 

In my more recent memories, I remember my dad dropping me off at Whitman college and for the first time in my life, I knew nothing would be the same.  It was strange to go back to my dorm room alone.  He had handed me some form of adulthood.

Before my dad died I wanted to give him two things:  Grandchildren and proof that I would do something great with my college degree.  I am glad he got to enjoy his grandchildren.  He taught my oldest three kids to ride bikes.  We started a Christmas tradition of cutting down our tree, something that motivated my dad to be more involved at Christmas time.  He also introduced the kids to camping, sailing, and his love for hiking on beaches and in the mountains.

Dad, I wish you were going to be be here to see what comes next.  I have not forgotten my degree and still hope to publish a book someday.  When I do, it will be dedicated to you.

Thank you for the many joyful memories, we will miss you.  Know you were loved by all of us. 

Me: Grief

I lost my father this week.  It may have been a couple of weeks ago, we do not know the time of death.  What we do know is that it was sudden and a shock to all of us.  My dad was the strongest person I knew, racing up mountains even just two months ago.  He never wanted to stop doing all the outdoor activities he loved so much.  It is so hard to believe that someone who could have been trekking in Nepal a few months ago is just gone.

Things were not perfect with him.  We all have regrets when someone dies, but I missed out of seeing him one last time because of a play date.  I know there is no way I could have known that this would have been the last time I could have seen him, but it still hurts.

As a family we were frustrated with my dad because of some poor decisions.  He had isolated himself from us all and was living alone.  None of us knew he had passed away, we all just thought he was avoiding us.  Then when it have been kind of long for him to not talk to anyone my brother checked on him and found him dead.

Maybe we could have helped him if he had not been living alone, or maybe this would have happened anyway.  We will never have the answer to this question.  He died of internal bleeding due to a complication with his blood thinners.  I just wish we could have been the family we once were before he died.  We did have enough time to work through some family conflicts.

Now I hear his voice in my head.  I miss hearing it.  I cannot bear to think that he will not be around to see my new baby due in April, or go bike riding with my kids (something he was doing every week).

I have gone through good memories, bad ones, and everything in between, but I still cannot believe he is really gone.  It feels like a bad dream making arrangements for a memorial service and looking at all of his things.  He will not go sailing again, his kayaks are sitting waiting for him, but he is gone.

Dad, I miss you.  I loved you so much.  You were a great father who provided well for his family.  I am thankful I had you in my life.