Community: Hospitality and Family

Hospitality is a concept I thought all people viewed the same.  As little kids, that spent time with other little kids from a similar class and background, I was usually treated the same way.  If a person invited you over, you were fed if it was a meal time and treated like a guest no matter what age you were.

I just thought that going over people's homes and spend quality time would be a part of life.  I assumed that people liked being around other people.  One might say, I began to realize this was not true the second I moved off campus at my small liberal arts college.

On campus there was always something to do and lots of people around.  When I moved into my first apartment, I thought life would be like it is on the show "Friends", but it was not that way.  People I went to school with lived in our building.  We would say "Hello" in the hallways and carry on.  Drop by visits disappeared and turned into dinner invitations and meeting for coffee.  We were busy college students with very little extra time. 

Motherhood brought a whole new world of hospitality.   When I just had one or two little ones, there were plenty of playgroups to keep my week very full.  I never really felt like I was sitting around at home with just my children until around baby number 3.  Most families at this point were out of stage baby and into putting their kids in preschool and activities.  I was one of the few to keep having children and I did not put my oldest in preschool.  My social life got smaller and smaller.

Then I got to thinking the other day.  My closest friends from childhood are still my close friends now, I just do not live near any of them.  These are the people I would run to without feeling like I had to simplify my problems.  How can one really expect to build those kinds of friendships as an adult?

I thought having babies at the same time as other people would create lasting bonds.  With my first child, I did become close friends with a couple of other ladies who were pregnant too.  Having a first baby is such an unique time in life and the people around you then play such a huge role in all of it.  However, I did not find that experience to be the same with other pregnancies.

Having kids gave me reasons to be places where other parents would be, but that does not automatically create friendships.  Neither does just walking into a church.  I would have to say I have joined group after group and one only becomes actual friends with a small number of people from those experiences.  I may not feel as lonely because I have stuff to do, but in the seasons where getting out of the house is too difficult, things go quit as groups go on and you don't attend them.

Perhaps my approach to friendship is all wrong.  Our number one small group is the family unit.  We live in a culture where the family is constantly being split into little pieces.  Every child has a life of his or her own.  Both parents tend to work.  Nobody spends much of the week together.  The longer this continues the more effort it takes to keep up with everyone.  I only have two kids in school and I currently do not work, but I still feel like I have lost a part of my kids.  Yes, part of that is letting them go, but what levels of letting a child go is right?  Being a close family unit is very important to me.  I don't want to get lazy.

My husband and I have the same conversation over and over.  "I feel so alone," I say as an extrovert trapped at home.
"Are you saying that your family is not good enough for you?" he asks.
"No, I don't mean that.  I just feel like our community is lacking," I say.

Maybe my community is not lacking.  I made up for the family time I did not have by spending lots of time with friends as a kid.  I had a stay at home mom, but my dad traveled a lot.  We went on family trips, but each family member did have secrets lives.  It was very common to walk into our home and find each family member in a different room, except at dinner time.  We all had dinner together. (that I am super grateful for).  I would say I had more of my family's attention than most, but still felt alone.

What if my main community could be my family?  How do we keep a home where were are not all doing our own activities in different rooms all the time?  My kids have to mainly play in the living room because we do not have much space anywhere else.  We have decided to make bedrooms for sleeping, so if one were to stop by our home, chances are all kids would be in the living room playing.  This system does lead to lots more fights, but my our family is together most of the time.  The older kids are involved with the little kids all the days that they are home.  It is rare for them to even ask for friends to come over.

Having friends is an important part of life, but I think I have been placing it too high above other parts of life.  I still wish I had time for weekly coffee dates and chatting to another adult, but I have a loving husband and five amazing kids.  How could they not be the best community?