I caught myself jogging on the trail near my house thinking about a lot of random things. Yesterday my husband had the day off of work, so I got to actually go jogging at a time that was enjoyable. Jen and I have been running in the dark once a week (that is when I haven't been sick because this year has been terrible in that way). It is really great to get out into the night air when I normally wouldn't leave my house. Some nights it's been really cold, others pleasant, and sometimes we have run into large puddles of water. However, SUNSHINE changes everything.
As I flung open the door, took a deep breath, and thought about several minutes of quiet at 9AM, I gazed at the tall evergreen trees around me. Typically at 9AM on a weekday, I am finishing up a math lesson, rushing to put a snack on the table, and convincing my kids that reading our history lesson will be fun. I have mixed feelings about being a homeschool mom and running alone got me thinking. If I had my kids in school, I might be able to pull off running more than once a week during daylight hours. Maybe I wouldn't be alone, but still outside.
A few paces later, I realized something important. My oldest son is going to be ten in August. By the time he's twelve I could just leave the kids at home for a thirty minutes while I go for a run. My second oldest would be eleven and they could team baby sit the rest. Is this insane or genius? People have been telling me the crazy years of having six kids in eight years actually gets better. In fact, it becomes easy? Now I am starting to see some benefits.
The last couple of years I have been obsessed with trying to eat healthy, workout six days a week, and get rid of baby weight between pregnancies. Yesterday, I made a promise to myself. It's time for me to stop obsessing because time is flying. I still want to be healthy, fit, and slim, but I also want to enjoy being a mom of little kids. The trade is simple. For a brief few years I have to compromise. I cannot run at 9AM, or take a dance class, but I have later to do that. I can continue to workout at home and jog occasionally.
Am I deflecting from the fact that I have put hours of work into losing weight and I haven't lost a pound? Even though the scale tells my things I don't want to know, my clothing is baggy. I have skipped measurements because I need a break from it all. I just want to be happy with how I look. I want breath fresh air and enjoy it. I want to go on a run and think about ideas for my screenplay, or books I plan to write instead of how fast each interval is going to be. It is time for a break and I'm fine with it. Maybe the main thing holding me back this entire time has been thinking about it all so much. I'm not saying it is wrong to want change after having babies, I'm just taking a break.
My husband told me once, "Happiness is a choice." He's right. I am making the choice to be happy with the fact my stomach isn't perfect, happy that I've worked hard and I'm feeling pretty strong, happy I can run fro 37 minutes after being sick at a nice pace and not get too tired...these are accomplishments. There is so much out there about results, but sometimes we are not asking ourselves what actually counts as results? Is it really just about being thin? Is healthy just about being thin? My answer, right now, is look for more than the basics and deciding to be happy will be much easier.
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