Have you ever sat and thought through the circular argument of feminism? I have spend hours trying to figure out what it actually means to be a true feminist. Women's rights are obviously important to me because I am a woman. Being a great family woman is also important to me. I like the fact that someday I could go to work, or if I had not been married straight out of college I would have work options. Even though I did not vote for president the first year I was old enough to vote, I still value the fact that women are allowed to vote. It is nice to know women are not just property. These are things I am glad I do not have to fight for. So what is the problem?
Super woman does not really exist. How can one person really care for a house, cook many meals a day, clean, wash clothing, raise children, and be fully committed to a job and career. I used to daydream of the day I would buy my first suit and really dress like a professional woman. Little did I know that day might not ever come.
I would pretend I was sitting at a desk as a secretary. Then a few minutes into my game I would be holding my four favorite dolls and being the best mommy I could be. There was no question in my mind as to whether or not I wanted to have kids, I always knew I did. What I was not so sure about was having a career. My mom stayed home to raise us and I am still thankful for that today. She had a career before she was my mom, but mom having a job was not really modeled to me growing up. I saw other people's kids whose parents worked when I was working at a daycare. It was hard for me to watch mothers say 'goodbye' to their eighteen month old children. I think watching this made me secretly decide that would never be me.
When my son was on the way my mind was made up, I would not be working. I am blessed to have a husband who did not expect me to be a working mother even though his mother did work most of his childhood. There have been times when we have not had much money and I wanted to make that aspect of life better by getting a job. I must say, the more kids we have, that crazier that would be. Imagine daycare rates for four kids. That is what we would have to pay now. Only one of my kids is school age and he is not currently in public school.
So is it socially acceptable to say, I will always have my brain, but having a family needs to take place sooner rather than later? Yes, money is a factor. My husband and I still have no idea what it would be like to live off of two incomes. I think that is a blessing in some ways because our budget has always included kids. I stress about money all the time...I wish I could say I don't and my faith in finances is amazing, but I must say I have been weak in this area.
Yes, we do not own a house and figuring out a career has been a journey along with having kids, but that is not the end of the world. I do not feel like I have left my female responsibility at the door to be a mom. I have learned how to be a less selfish human being because of my children. They have taught me to be responsible and forced me to grow in ways I would never have grown without them.
This last Christmas I remember thinking, I finally feel like a adult this year. It was the first time I did not have a Christmas stocking and everything we did was for our kids. I forced myself to decorate even though I felt tired adjusting to having a new baby. We ended up involving the kids more because I could not do everything on my own this year. So maybe our tree did not look good enough to be a picture in a catalog, but my kids could look at it and remember that they helped make it look so festive. Letting go of some control is good. My kids have taught me how to have fun in life's many imperfections.
So does being a feminist have to mean no men, no kids, no life outside of career? An even less extreme perspective is I am a working woman before a mother, or I cannot define myself without a career. I struggle with this situation, mainly how to define myself since 'just' a mother does not sound good enough even though it is the hardest job out there in my opinion. Depending on who I am around, I feel great about being the mommy I am, or I feel like I wish I was wearing a smart looking suit and changing the world. The secret is, there would be no world changers without mothers and mother figures. Um...the circle continues.
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