You know you have hit a wall when you start to realize that a few hours a sleep a night is no longer going to leave you with that sweet refreshing feeling in the morning. I do not even have a baby that cries all night long, or even fusses much. All I have to do is pick her up, feed her, and maybe change her. She is happy. The light at 3 am does not make me happy, nor am I thrilled to get one hour of sleep and the wake up to feed the baby, but at least we have a routine and I am thankful things are fairly predictable.
Puffy eyes are just part of the deal. I am looking forward to saying 'hello' to my contact lenses again someday. Maybe it is just me, but wearing glasses makes me feel like I am walking around half asleep all day long. Naps are not an option most days and the few days I have taken one I think back to the good old first baby days. I used to think I was tired then with naps all throughout the day. Maybe I never got anything done, but I was much better rested.
What tends to happen after the lack of sleep are the blues. I would not consider it depression, but I will say my upbeat self is hiding just a little bit. It did not help that it was dark and gray all of last week either. It is difficult to get the energy up enough to want to venture out into town with four kids at home. I did it plenty of times last year, so I know it is possible, it just takes a little bit of planning.
Some fun ways I am trying to enjoy this slightly challenging time include, changing the fragrance of my hand soap. With all the diaper changes, I wash my hands all the time. Having a soap with a fun scent makes me happy somehow. When it is dark I try and light a candle well out of reach from all my kids hands. Making sure I have some alone time is also important. In a small house one never really has complete quiet, but it nice to drive to the store without the radio or any kids when my husband is home to watch everyone. I also try to knit when I can. It is really relaxing.
The greatest thing I have allowed myself to do is get some jeans that fit. After trying desperately to fit into my old jeans because I am so sick of sweatpants, I took a mommy day to find new jeans with just my mom and Bria. It was nice, even though I struggle with feeling guilty for wanting something for myself (even just the time alone can make me feel bad), it was really refreshing to remember that I am still a person. Sure I could wear my maternity jeans, or continue to wish I have already lost ten pounds, but in reality, sometimes it is just nice to get up and get dressed without worrying if anything will even fit.
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