Me: Grief

I lost my father this week.  It may have been a couple of weeks ago, we do not know the time of death.  What we do know is that it was sudden and a shock to all of us.  My dad was the strongest person I knew, racing up mountains even just two months ago.  He never wanted to stop doing all the outdoor activities he loved so much.  It is so hard to believe that someone who could have been trekking in Nepal a few months ago is just gone.

Things were not perfect with him.  We all have regrets when someone dies, but I missed out of seeing him one last time because of a play date.  I know there is no way I could have known that this would have been the last time I could have seen him, but it still hurts.

As a family we were frustrated with my dad because of some poor decisions.  He had isolated himself from us all and was living alone.  None of us knew he had passed away, we all just thought he was avoiding us.  Then when it have been kind of long for him to not talk to anyone my brother checked on him and found him dead.

Maybe we could have helped him if he had not been living alone, or maybe this would have happened anyway.  We will never have the answer to this question.  He died of internal bleeding due to a complication with his blood thinners.  I just wish we could have been the family we once were before he died.  We did have enough time to work through some family conflicts.

Now I hear his voice in my head.  I miss hearing it.  I cannot bear to think that he will not be around to see my new baby due in April, or go bike riding with my kids (something he was doing every week).

I have gone through good memories, bad ones, and everything in between, but I still cannot believe he is really gone.  It feels like a bad dream making arrangements for a memorial service and looking at all of his things.  He will not go sailing again, his kayaks are sitting waiting for him, but he is gone.

Dad, I miss you.  I loved you so much.  You were a great father who provided well for his family.  I am thankful I had you in my life.