Almost 34 weeks and Grieving

I did not expect to have much new information on pregnancy after spending all of my last pregnancy blogging about baby #5 only, but sometimes one needs to expect to unexpected.  I thought it might be helpful for me and for others to write about grieving while pregnant.

This pregnancy I have challenged myself to be as healthy as possible and workout five times a week.  I have focused on a diet that includes plenty of protein and lots of greens along with the proper vitamins to make a great healthy baby, but I did not think I was going to suffer from grief a couple of months away from delivering my little one.

Now I am struck by a crazy form of nesting.  Instead of looking forward to folding up little baby clothes in a dresser and making as much baby stuff as I can before I see my baby, I spend most of the day with a tape of my father and all my memories playing in my head.  I think about how much time he spent with my other children.  Then I imagine his voice because I never want to forget what it sounded like. 

After hours of this I get a burst of energy out of nowhere to clean bathrooms, mop floors, unpack boxes (since we just moved into a new home two days before I found out my dad passed away two weeks ago).  Then I start to imagine the tasks I want to do for the baby.  I ordered my birth kit to make sure I don't forget later. 

My husband reminds me how exciting it will be to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.   I keep trying to eat more greens, to eat at all.  Most food was not that great one week after finding out a loved one is gone and now I can taste again, but barely feel like eating.  I promised my baby the day I found out about my dad that I would keep feeding him or her. 

So many birth plans have changed.  My dad was going to take some of the kids, my mom the rest.  We had help and now I am praying for my much desired middle of the night birth where my kids sleep through it all and we get to show them a baby in the morning.  If this does not work my mom will be upstairs with the kids.  For some reason I feel at peace about the birth because I know God is in control.  In the past I have worried much more.

I often have gotten carried away with wanting to buy things for the baby, but I have been too distracted to think about that, plus we don't really need new things.  Instead of wanting new things, I think about how my dad will not get to meet this baby and how he was in our house putting all the kids in the van the moment Bria arrived.  It feels very unfair. 

My fear is that I will still be really sad as I care for this new life.  I know I will be happy to hold my baby, I just wish it could arrive with lots more joy.  I am thankful for the child I am carrying though and it is true, God seems to bring new babies where there is loss.  I just pray that baby will now how much we love him or her despite how hard these last few months have been.

If anyone else has been grieving while pregnant, I would love to hear how you got through it.  Please share if you feel up to it.